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A LOOK INTO A-ROD’S FUTURE
It was 35 years ago today that Alex Rodriguez set the all-time Major League Baseball home run record when he belted 763 off Mariners lefty Jeff Francis.
Rodriguez ended up with 823 home runs, a total that many feel will never be approached.
Now 78 years old and living in Florida, the still spry Rodriguez sat down with Artificial Turf for an exclusive interview in his Miami home.
Artificial Turf: Thanks for the time A-Rod.
Alex Rodriguez: You’re welcome. And you can call me Alex. A-Rod was a long time ago.
AT: Ok…Alex. How has the game changed from the time you played until today?
AR: How much time do we have? (Chuckles). Well, when I played, we played for the love of the game. Guys weren’t interested in the money. It was nice to get paid, don’t get me wrong, but putting on the uniform was the main thing.
AT: Well, at one point you were the highest paid player in the game.
AR: That is true. But it really wasn’t that much especially compared with the salaries of players today. The highest I made was only 27 million dollars a year. Now you can’t even get a decent middle infielder for that. I read that the average salary of Major Leaguers today is 175 million dollars. Who can relate to that? That is why it is hard for me to follow the game. Shoot, fans could relate to players in my era. We were one of them. Now these guys make so much money that it takes away from the enjoyment of the game.
AT: You were born too soon.
AR: (laughs). Yes I was. But I was able to make an ok living doing something I love.
AT: The stadiums have certainly changed.
AR: That’s right. The old Yankee Stadium was outdated and I remember when we moved into the new Yankee Stadium across the street. I enjoyed that place. Of course they tore it down 15-years later to build the new mobile Stadium entirely comprised of luxury boxes. Who would have ever thought they would build a stadium that could travel? The Yankees had vision. Unlike the Red Sox. Too bad Fenway Park collapsed. When was that, 2025 or something? Then they moved to become the Corpus Christi Red Sox. That was a day I’ll never forget. I feel bad for the Boston fans. They were always so good to me.
AT: Wasn’t there a drug problem back when you played?
AR: Some players did use performance enhancing drugs back then. Looking back it wasn’t a big deal. Some guys did use and some guys didn’t. But take a look at the performance enhancing scandals of the modern era. I mean, guys getting cable transplants to replace their tendons? Metallic muscle twitch fibers? That was unheard of in my day.
AT: How do you think people remember you today Alex?
AR: Well, of course the home run record. But besides that I think people remember me as a clutch player. When the chips were down and when the team counted on me the most, I came through. I never let the pressure get to me.
AT: Alex thanks for your time and congratulations on a great, Hall of Fame career.
AR: No thank you. It’s been a pleasure. Before you leave, feel free to visit the gift shop on the way out…first door on the left past the kitchen.
THE SAGA OF TOMMY SCHMELTZ
He was new kid on the team, blessed with little athletic ability other than the desire to succeed. Other kids would groan when Tommy Schmeltz, backup right fielder for the Hackett Lumber Company Cubs Little League team, would climb out of his mom’s station wagon before a game.
Tommy had nine at-bats all season long and struck out every time. The highlight of his dismal season was when he was hit by a pitch and made it to first base, where he promptly got picked off. Coach Hackett didn’t want to play him and cringed every time he stepped into the batters box. They were relieved that nobody ever hit a ball in his direction.
The great thing about baseball is there is always the next game, the next at-bat and the chance to be a hero.
That chance came for Tommy Schmeltz on Saturday morning, June 24th at Veteran’s Memorial Park.
It was the date of the championship game. Tommy took his customary spot on the bench as the game began. Then it got strange. Bobby Kipper was hurt sliding and had to leave the game. Mikey Manfredo struck out and his embarrassed father grabbed him off the field and took him home in the middle of the game. Joey Jiminez got sick and went to the bathroom, never to return. The Cubs were down to ten players, the nine who were playing and benchwarmer Tommy Schmeltz.
In the final inning, trailing by a run, the Cubs loaded the bases against a tiring pitcher from the Morgan’s Drug Store Tigers. Slugger Billy McGillicuddy slowly and confidently strode to the plate. The umpire said to Billy, “Hurry up kid, we ain’t got all day.”
Then Billy unleashed a vulgar verbal tirade against the umpire and promptly got tossed from the game.
With no one else to turn to the coach was forced to put Tommy Schmeltz in the game.
This was the moment Tommy had dreamed about. He knew if he could get the winning hit his teammates would then become his friends. The cute girl who lived down the block would know who he was. His name would be in the paper. He would be on his way to the major leagues. If only he could get a hit. Tommy knew he could do it.
With much determination, Tommy stepped into the batters box ready to win a championship for the Hackett Lumber Company Cubs.
However, once Tommy glared out at the pitcher, he froze. He took three meatballs down the middle of the plate and the Morgan’s Drug Store Tigers were celebrating the championship.
“Thanks for losing the game for us Tommy,” said Coach Hackett. “I hope you don’t come out for the team next year.”
“You’re a loser Schmeltz,” said Billy McGillicuddy, “You &%#$%#Y^&.”
What could Tommy say? It was all true.
That was in 1961. Tommy Schmeltz moved on and lived a life of prosperity, success and happiness. At least that’s what was hoped for.
Instead, Tom Schmeltz dropped out of high school, turned to drugs and alcohol, became a degenerate gambler, was married and divorced four times and was fired from numerous jobs including as the night watchman for the Hackett & Sons Lumber Company, the same company he disgraced while a fresh-faced, eager little leaguer 45-years ago.
He was last seen on an episode of Cops, handcuffed and shirtless in the back of a police sedan, violently ramming his head against the passenger-side window.
Tom Schmeltz is now known as inmate #4534541 in the Auburn State Correctional Facility in upstate New York.
HIDEOUS FACIAL TATTOO FAILS TO CATCH ON
When boxer Mike Tyson got a hideous looking facial tattoo, most societal analysts and commentators predicted an explosion of people rushing out to get similar hideous facial tattoos.
New York Post entertainment columnist Richard Johnson said, “It baffles me that nobody seems to be getting hideous Tyson facial tattoos. Everybody wants to emulate Tyson but they seem to draw the line at his hideous facial tattoo.”
“I can’t explain it,” said Sabrina Miller from Trendsetters Magazine. “Who wouldn’t want a hideous Tyson facial tattoo? I offered to get one for my daughter and she freaked.”
Perhaps the reason for the apparent lack of popularity for the hideous facial tattoo can be summed up by the former heavyweight champeen himself, Mike Tyson.
“The reason people aren’t getting my hideous facial tattoo is probably because it’s a hideous facial tattoo,” Tyson reasoned.
THE CONVERSATION
“I played some ball,” said George Grannick matter-of-factly to the gentleman sitting on the barstool next to him at ‘Runyon’s’ on East 55th Street in New York. “I was a two-time all-star shortstop in little league and started at quarterback for the JV team in high school as a freshman. But I quit.”
“Why did you quit,” asked the well-dressed stranger between sips of suds while watching the Giants-Eagles game on the overhead television.
“I didn’t like the coach,” said Grannick. “Anyway, I was going to play baseball in college. I was being scouted by the Yankees.”
“So what happened,” wondered Grannick’s new friend, politely dividing his attention between the game and conversation.
“I hurt my knee before I could turn pro. Then I knocked up some girl and I had to go to work at the plant,” Grannick explained.
“So that was it for sports?” the inquisitive man asked.
“Yeah, it was, for a while. But I’ve been playing slow-pitch softball for about 15 years now. Been on a few championship teams and some all-star teams. Also have a couple of MVP trophies collecting dust in the closet,” Grannick said proudly.
The sharply attired man got up to leave.
“Gotta run. Great talking to you buddy.”
“Same here pal. I’m George Grannick.”
The men shook hands.
“Nice to meet you George. I’m Reggie Jackson.”
With that, the baseball Hall-of-Famer put on his overcoat and walked out into the chilly New York night.
SANDY, BEN AND DOCTOR GOLDSTEIN
An angry, yet controlled crowd filtered into Market Square in Pittsburgh recently to protest another hate-filled speech from white supremacist Harold Zeener.
“I came to hear what venom Zeener would spew,” said Brian Lindsay. “He’s a disgrace.”
Security was tight and tension was high as the leader of the controversial hate group the ‘Mighty Whities’ took the makeshift stage with his bullhorn.
According to Pittsburgh police officer Phil Dougherty the crowd was manageable.
“They were well behaved considering the idiotic statements being thrown out by Zeener.”
There were some catcalls when Zeener went into his tired rant about Jews, claiming the Holocaust didn’t occur and that the Jews controlled the entertainment industry and bagels were overrated.
By this time the angry crowd began to surge towards the stage. Then Zeener pushed the envelope too far.
“Furthermore,” said the hatemonger, “not only did the holocaust not exist but Sandy Koufax was a fictional character invented by the Jews!”
Lisa Erickson, a student at nearby Point Park College, explains what happened next.
“Everybody was pretty irritated and annoyed by this Zeener guy. But when he said Sandy Koufax was fictional, well, we all broke up laughing. I mean, you have to admit, that was pretty funny. Even I know about Sandy Koufax.”
After getting laughed off the stage, a humiliated Zeener got into his limousine with his three bodyguards and sped off.
What happened next was bizarre.
The limousine was traveling at a high rate of speed when it was t-boned by Steelers accident-prone quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Fortunately for Roethlisberger he was driving his pickup truck and not a motorcycle. Big Ben was not hurt. Unfortunately for Zeener he was critically injured.
Zeener was taken to Mercy Hospital with life threatening injuries. While on the operating table, Zeener looked up and saw that the nametag on the doctor read, “Doctor Sidney Goldstein.” Then Zeener passed out.
Hours after the operation, Harold Zeener awoke. He was told he was lucky to be alive and that he would survive his accident.
Zeener was grateful to be among the living and thanked Doctor Goldstein and added, “You know, those Jews ain’t so bad after all.”
And what about Sandy Koufax?
“A great pitcher,” said the newly enlightened Zeener. “Maybe the best ever.”
HELP WANTED
The Colorado Rockies are a professional baseball team located in Denver, Colorado. We are looking to fill a first base coaching position.
Qualifications: Applicants must be able to stand for long periods at a time. Ability to point and pat grown men on the ass in public required. Proven ability to spit and look important while doing nothing is essential. Willingness to say “Hey now!” hundreds of times a day for no apparent reason is a key component to this job. Experience in the art of throwing hands up in the air to dispute a close call at first base helpful.
Uniform will be provided. Team will also provide a stopwatch to wrap around your hand to give the impression of executing pertinent tasks. Must enjoy baseball but not a requirement. Will train the right person.
Pay is $6.75 per hour, benefits provided after 60 days.
Please send cover letter, resume and references to: Clint Hurdle, Manager, Colorado Rockies Baseball Club, Coors Field, 2001 Blake Street, Denver, Colorado 80205. EOE.
EDDIE'S SHORT 'CAREER'
Domonique Foxworth took the third quarter kickoff 27-yards, out to the 32-yard line before a host of Raiders took down the Broncos return man.
The ensuing national TV timeout gave Eddie Dublinski ample time to trot onto the field and collect his bearings. This was his NFL debut and as you might expect he was nervous but excited at the same time. This was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream for Dublinski, to run out onto the field, proudly wearing his Broncos jersey before 76,000 raucous fans. The free agent had always dreamed of playing for the Broncos and there he was, standing on the 25-yard line at Invesco Field.
It is here where things began to get hazy for Dublinski. His head began to spin. He felt queasy. Then he suddenly realized he had forgotten his helmet. Then, quickly, the 35-year old unemployed retail worker was tackled by the security staff and dragged off the field.
Underneath the stands, security officers worked over the inebriated fan and placed him in a holding cell that reeked of urine.
Several hours later Dublinski sobered up. It was then the vomit-covered trespasser realized what had happened. His brief NFL career had been a colossal failure, his court appearance was Tuesday and his season tickets had been revoked.
KID FAN DISOWNED BY FAMILY
A nine-year-old boy has been sent to a foster home by his parents after it became known that he was a closet Oakland Raiders fan.
Danny Griebel, a fourth grader at St. Cecilia Elementary School in Denver, was forcibly removed from his home after his father Gary discovered a Raiders jersey in his dresser drawer and a Raiders yearbook under his mattress.
“This is totally unacceptable,” said Gary Griebel, 39. “We have three other kids, all Broncos fans. Then this happens. I don’t know where I went wrong.”
Sociologist Dorothy J. Barrett said that some people are just born that way.
“Look, it can be traumatic to discover that a child is a Raiders fan. It happens and some parents have a tough time dealing with it. One would hope a parent would handle the situation better than Mr. Griebel did.”
When confronted by his father, young Danny admitted he was a Raiders fan and always has been.
“It’s who I am,” said Danny. “I’m sad that my dad has disowned me. But my two brothers and my sister have been supportive. My mom had a breakdown but I think she’ll come around.”
When asked if he ever will see his son again, Gary Griebel said, “No. I can’t accept this. As a Broncos family we will not allow Danny to disgrace our name any longer. Why couldn’t he just be gay instead of being a Raiders fan? At least we could deal with that.”
Reportedly Al Davis, crusty owner of the Raiders, is considering adopting Danny and making him the special teams coach.
