Al McGuire used to say, "The best thing about a Freshman is he becomes a Sophomore." That was the case with Turf Columnist Tony Jarboe who, somehow, made it through his Freshman and Sophomore years at Northwestern. His columns over the course of his first two years have been well received and will continue as he moves into his Junior campaign. To read archived "Jabs" columns, just scroll down to "Jarboe's Jabs" (1, 2,3 and 4). E-mail Tony at jarboes_jabs@yahoo.com.      

 

 REMEMBER THE ALAMO (BOWL)…1-4-09
I never understood why people would spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars on tickets, airfare, and hotels just to watch their team play in a bowl game. Why not just save a few Benjamins and watch from home?
Even so, I decided to fly down to San Antonio to watch Northwestern play Missouri in the Alamo Bowl. This is their first bowl game since I’ve been in college, and the next few years don’t look to promising. So it was now or never.
I didn’t know what to expect. I had heard that Northwestern travels well, but we can’t even sell out our own stadium. When teams like Illinois and Ohio State come to town, the color purple becomes a minority. So how could we expect to draw well at a stadium some thousand miles away?
The problem was that I was looking at this all wrong. I saw this as just another game with slightly higher stakes. Yeah, I would do some sight-seeing while in San Antonio, but I was there for the game. For most people, however, it was a vacation with a football game thrown in.
Because I figured the ‘Cats would be crushed, I figured I better enjoy San Antonio as much as I could. And that wasn’t too difficult.
I stayed with my uncle at a hotel overlooking the Riverwalk. The trees were covered in colorful Christmas lights which made for an absolutely spectacular view. That alone almost made the trip worth it.

Of course it was even more fun to actually walk along the river, amongst all the people and restaurants. Folks would randomly shout “Go ‘Cats” as I passed, because I never went anywhere in San Antonio without my Northwestern shirt, hat, and jacket. It didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out who I was cheering for.
Game day brought a strange mix of emotions. On one hand I was excited for the game, hoping beyond hope that just maybe my ‘Cats could pull an upset. On the other hand, that was my last day in Texas. I had been absolutely eating up the sights and sounds of San Antonio. And I really enjoyed being surrounded by actual Northwestern fans for once. Between the great shows at Sea World, the Alamo, and the excellent Mexican restaurants in the area, I could have spent another three or four days in Texas. But, sadly, all good things must come to an end.
I got to the Alamodome about an hour and a half before kickoff. I wanted to beat the crowds in and have a look around before the game started. Besides, this would be the only bowl game that I would go to for the next several years, so I had to take it all in while I could.
I watched the crowd slowly trickle in, half black and gold and half clad in purple. Northwestern fans traded chants with Missouri fans to pass the time. By kickoff the entire stadium was rocking.
The game was a great one, with both teams trading scores throughout the game. Northwestern did their part and kept it close. Northwestern fans also did their part, reaching decibel levels I didn’t know we were capable of.
I also had to watch myself a little more closely than usual. Although I try not to swear, with two young kids in front of me and another to my right, I was even more conscious of myself. Even so, at one point I said a word that starts with “D” and rhymes with “Sam”. The mother looked back and I sheepishly apologized, but she just smiled and assured me it was ok. She understood.
It all came down to a field goal at the end. Missouri lined up to boot the field goal as Wildcat fans yelled “Block that kick!” It wasn’t so much a chant as a prayer, as though ‘Cats fans were asking God to please, please not let the kick go through.
Whether it was the crowd noise, nerves, or divine intervention, the kicker missed. I was mauled by my friend Greg, hugging me because Northwestern had new life. Maybe, just maybe, they could win this game after all.
It didn’t happen. Northwestern lost in the extra session and I bolted as quickly as I could. Losing hurt badly enough. I didn’t need to prolong the pain by sticking around.
It took a couple of days to put the loss in perspective. Yeah, it hurt, but the ‘Cats made the game a lot closer than I thought it would be. The Alamo Bowl is pretty good, and 9-4 isn’t a bad season, Especially by Northwestern’s standards. And it was still fun to bond with so many others over Northwestern football. The flood of purple was amazing.
Maybe next year Northwestern can play their home games in Texas. We never had near this many fans in Evanston.

 

 

If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It…(12-27-08)
$423.5 million is a lot of money. It can buy 423,500,000 cheeseburgers from Micky D’s. Or 42.35 billion pieces of penny bubblegum (although you might want to save some for the dentist). If you have more distinguished tastes, you can buy more than 1 million pounds of shark fins for shark-fin soup. Or it can buy you three free agents.
The New York Yankees set the baseball world (and sports columnists) abuzz by spending $423.5 million to buy both the best hitter and pitcher on the free agent market, plus another very good pitcher in A.J. Burnett.
This spending spree has renewed cries for a salary cap. The system is broken! After all, how can a team like the Florida Marlins (2008 payroll- $22 million) compete with teams like the Yankees (2008 payroll- $207 million)?
Yes, money gives you an advantage. Five of the top ten teams in payroll made the playoffs. But the top three, the Yankees, Mets, and Detroit, all missed out. So the advantage you get from money can be overcome. After all, the Seattle Mariners spent nearly $117 million to lose 101 games and finish almost 40 games out of first place. So it’s not just about money- it’s about money spent wisely.
Just like any other business, good management is the key. Teams like the Oakland A’s and Minnesota Twins routinely made the post-season with payrolls near the bottom. Last year, Tampa Bay spent a “mere” $43 million (29^th, ahead of only Florida) and ended up in the World Series.
People seem to think a salary cap is a panacea for teams like Pittsburgh, Kansas City, and Washington: teams that routinely finish near the bottom in both payroll and standings. These folks won’t be happy until every team finishes 81-81 and wins the World Series. Wouldn’t that be fun?
Yes, baseball should get a salary cap so it can be like the NFL, where every team has a chance to win on any given Sunday (right, Detroit Lions?) Major League Baseball already has more parity than it’s football counterpart. The last nine years have produced eight different World Champions while the NFL is one miracle catch away from having one team take four of the past eight Super Bowls. On the other end of things, yes, Kansas CIty, Pittsburgh, and Washington have a reserved spot in the cellar of their respective divisions. But they are downright dominant compared to this year’s Detroit Lions (0-15 so far) or last year’s Miami Dolphins (1-15).
And just because owners can only spend a certain amount of money doesn’t mean they have to spend that much. $70 million separates Oakland from Kansas City. Apparently $70 million buys two wins, because that’s how far Oakland is ahead of the Chiefs (man, $70 million just doesn’t go as far as it used to). But again, low payrol doesn’t necessarily mean being uncompetitive. How about the Indianapolis Colts, cruising towards a first round bye? 29^th in the NFL in payroll. New England, with a little help, can reach the post-season with the 30^th ranked payroll.
Yes, money is nice. It makes winning easier. But, just as in life, money doesn’t guarantee happiness. Strong management can overcome such obstacles, just as inept management can overcome a high payroll to produce a bottom-feeder. So please, no more cries about the system being broken or baseball’s need for a salary cap. All that would do is knock down the top few teams while doing nothing to raise the cellar-dwellers. Besides, I kind of enjoy seeing how much money Seattle can manage to bungle.

 

LIES, DAMN LIES AND THE MEDIA…(12-21-08)
I may have found the reason my luck with the ladies seems to be a little lacking. A recent survey found that, of 5,500 people across seven countries (including the US), only 2 percent of respondents were media members as partner material. What’s worse, journalists were the least trusted profession across all seven countries. Even worse than lawyers and BCS selection committees! That’s a problem.
This is especially ironic because for the past two years it has been drilled into my head just how “noble” a profession journalism is. We are the government watchdogs and the voice for the voiceless. It is our job, like Woodward and Bernstein (the guys who uncovered the Watergate Scandal) to always be on the lookout for evildoers. And now it turns out people see the media themselves as the “evildoers”.
I suppose I should be defending journalists at this point, complaining that the public has it all wrong and yadda yadda. What I’m guessing, however, isn’t so much that people distrust all media. Rather, they distrust certain members of the media.
Take this year’s election. If you’re conservative and you hear MSNBC constantly bashing on Sarah Palin, of course you aren’t going to trust them. Same if you are a liberal listening to Rush Limbaugh. So we aren’t seeing people hating all media. Rather, it’s just certain segments that they believe to be untrustworthy.
The problem, though, is that this polarization is getting worse. With most news easily accessible on the internet, people have little incentive to watch the news on TV any more. So many media pundits feel they have to be outlandishly biased in order to get people to watch. Sure, it works for some people, but it just ticks most folks off. But in the end, I don’t think (or at least I hope) that people don’t necessarily distrust the media as a whole, just parts of it.
So, no, I’m not going to switch my major just because a survey found my intended profession isn’t marriage material. But I had better get used to being single. 

 

 

PUTTING THE “BS” IN BCS…(12-14-08)
Let’s say you’re the fan of a small, private school who’s football team happened to have a good year. We’ll call this hypothetical team “Worthnestern”. They went 9-3 in a major conference, with two of those three losses coming to ranked opponents. They finished the year ranked 22^nd in the BCS standings and appeared headed to a major bowl.
But then lets say that the bowl committee snubs your team for another, inferior team whom we will hypothetically call “Spawn of Satan”. Now, Spawn finished the year 8-4 and unranked. The real kicker, however, is that your team went to Spawn and beat them on their home field. There is no question that your team is MUCH better than Spawn of Satan. And yet they got picked ahead of you for a major bowl? Why?
Sure, the nine wins and the shiny ranking look nice, but the bowl committee is only concerned with: 20,907. That’s the number of students that go to Spawn, compared to only 8,000 and Worthnestern. That means Spawn of Satan has a lot more fans out there that could potentially go to the game, which means higher TV ratings and more moolah. So your team got passed over by an inferior squad all because of money. Wouldn’t you hypothetically be outraged?
This year Northwestern was passed over for the Outback Bowl (a fairly prestigious New Year’s Day bowl) in favor of an Iowa team with a worse record, no ranking, and whom Northwestern beat in Iowa. This is because Iowa fans have a reputation for following their team wherever they go for a bowl game, and the Outback Bowl committee thought they would attract more fans by selecting Iowa than Northwestern. This pick ends any remaining shred of the charade that the bowl season was ever anything more than a money-making machine for college football. How you did that year is secondary to how many fans the bowl committee thinks you will attract.
Up until this year I have been a fan of the bowl system. It rewards teams who have a good year by allowing them a postseason birth and one last chance to play a really meaningful game. And in the BCS, only the top two teams have a shot at the national championship. This means no inferior team is going to just sneak into the playoff, get hot at the right time, and be crowned champion. Every week of the season is essentially a playoff because just one loss usually excludes you from a chance at the ultimate prize. I liked to think it was because of this weekly drama that college football kept the bowl system. But who am I kidding? It’s all about the money.
While most sports are trying to create more parity among their teams, college football is creating more disparity. Think about it. If a star college athlete is trying to choose between, say, Northwestern and Ohio State (hey, this is MY example, I get to choose the schools). All else being equal, Ohio State will always go to the more prestigious bowl game because their fans are renowned for traveling well, while Northwestern’s aren’t. There is an extreme incentive for the top athletes to go to powerhouses like Ohio State, Texas, USC, or Florida because those schools always attract the top-notch bowl bids. Smaller schools like Northwestern simply have no shot.
Would it kill college football to implement some sort of slotting system for their bowl games? The way it currently works is the bowls are ranked in order of prestige. For example, in the Big Ten, BCS bowl games have the first shot at which teams they want to take. Of the remaining teams, the Capital One Bowl has the first pick, then the Outback Bowl, and so on. The NCAA needs to get rid of this “drafting” system. If you were the third best team in the Big Ten, you go to the Capital One Bowl, period. No more getting to choose based on anticipated revenue. The athletes don’t play for money (well, most don’t). The least you can do is pretend that bowl games aren’t all about the money. Besides, you won’t go broke if you end up with a school like Northwestern. I promise.
The current drafting system by college bowl committees does a serious disservice to the athletes and fans that the committees purportedly aim to please. It creates a strong disparity between the haves and have-nots while eliminating any notion that bowl games are about anything other than money. It just makes the NCAA look worse and ticks off fans of smaller schools everywhere. Especially fans with internet columns who can write nasty things about them on sports websites.

 

*Editors Note: I later realized that by calling Iowa the “Spawn of Satan”, I came off as rather bitter towards them for leapfrogging us for the better bowl. So for any Hawkeye fans out there, don’t worry, I’m not ticked off at you. It’s not your fault you’re almost three times as big as we are. My wrath is more directed towards the Outback Bowl committee for choosing you. I just couldn’t find anything good that rhymes with “Iowa”. 

 

 

THE EVERYMAN…(12-7-08)
The retirement of Greg Maddux, one of the great pitchers in baseball history, was a tough pill to swallow. Why? Because in a way, I am Greg Maddux. And so are you.
Greg Maddux was an everyman. When you think of great athletes, guys like Shaquille O’Neal and Randy Johnson come to mind. Guys who tower over their respective sports, both literally and figuratively. They use their God-given talents to dominate the weak in a spectacular fashion. And we have no hope of ever coming close to doing what they do.
But Greg Maddux is a different story. At 5’ 10” the only thing he towered over was the water cooler, and he didn’t possess anything resembling a dominating fastball. At times it was almost like one of the hot dog vendors won a contest to be a Major Leaguer for a day.
This is not an ode to Maddux. I’ll leave that to other writers to go more in-depth on his great career, his prolific baseball IQ, etc. To me, Maddux’s retirement gave me pause because of the type of player that he represents rather than the man himself.
Everyman players have already virtually disappeared from basketball and football and are on their way out of baseball. The average baseball player is 6’ 2” while the average American in only 5’ 10”. And the difference continues to grow.
Yes, baseball still has guys like Jamie Moyer, who’s fastball doesn’t hit the speed limit, and David Eckstein, all 5’ 7” of him. But these guys are increasingly becoming the exception.
And this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. After all, we expect professional athletes to be the very best at what they do and as a general rule, bigger is better.
But it also makes it tougher for fans to connect with these athletes on a personal level. Watching Greg Maddux, you feel like he could be your neighbor. You could sit down and have a beer with him. He just happens to work as a baseball player and make a few million schilings doing it. A guy like that is much easier to root for than, say, the aforementioned Johnson, who’s 6’ 10” frame is a foot taller than the average guy. Toss in the fact that he has (well, had) a 97 MPH fastball and he’s not exactly the type of guy you can easily pull for. I can envision myself being Greg Maddux. But I don’t see myself growing another foot overnight and adding 20 MPH to my fastball.
The retirement of Greg Maddux and the dearth of “ordinary” players merely points out the growing chasm between fans and players. Professional athletes continue to become more distant from everyday life as they grow larger and larger and continue to rake in many millions of dollars. Again, I’m not ripping athletes. It’s simply the way things are.
Even so, I’m going to miss Greg Maddux.

 

NO CABLE? OUTTA LUCK!...(11-29-08)
The announcement that the college Bowl Championship Series was moving to ESPN marked another milestone in the disturbing exodus of major sporting events from broadcast to cable television. This trend started in the 1980s when TBS broadcast certain NBA playoff games, but this will mark the first time a major sport’s championship game is aired on cable television.
I am among the 14 percent of households that don’t have cable (some 98 million US homes have cable TV). So while it’s not a huge percentage, that’s still some 40 million potential customers college football is losing by switching from broadcast TV to cable.
Now, understand this is not a criticism of ESPN or some rant against college football and the corporate greed that goes on. Of course it’s about the money. It’s always been about the money. The problem, here, is that college football is looking at the short-term rather than long-term, and the future implications of the BCS’s movement to ESPN.
I don’t know exactly how much ESPN paid for the right to broadcast the BCS games, but I’m guessing there are quite a few zeroes at the end of the figure. They outbid FOX and every other television carrier for the right to broadcast the games. And it is completely within the NCAA’s rights to accept the highest bid. But it shouldn’t always automatically accept the highest bid.
Of course 86 percent of the households in the US is pretty good, but the NCAA is still shutting out 40 million potential customers from their championship games by jumping to cable TV. That’s a lot of people, and a lot of potential revenue lost.
A championship is supposed to be the crown jewel of the season. It is the most exclusive of events, matching only the two best teams of your sport. This is your sport at it’s best. The championship is the best chance to sell your sport to everyone, and thus you need to expose your sport as widely as possible. So shutting out 40 million customers is not exactly the wisest course of action.
Not only do you lose the 40 million potential viewers, but by shutting them out of your marquee event, you risk alienating them and losing them as fans. After all, why follow a team who, even if they made the championship, they couldn’t watch? Further, you don’t get young fans interested, and that is really the lifeblood of any sport. Young fans mean revenue for the next sixty years, plus their posterity. That is a lot of long-term revenue lost for a few extra million now.
What’s more disturbing, though, is the implication of this move. College is the first major sport to move their championship to cable TV, but I’m guessing they won’t be the last. Sure, TBS had been broadcasting a few early-round NBA playoff games since before I was born, and they recently added some of the baseball playoffs, but never before has the championship been unavailable on broadcast TV.
I don’t anticipate all six championships (NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL, college football, and college basketball) moving to cable any time soon. The Super Bowl will stay on broadcast TV through at least 2012, while the World Series remains on FOX through 2013. The NBA will stay on ABC for the next 8 years and CBS has NCAA basketball through 2014. Versus did broadcast a few games of the NHL finals, but I think that speaks more to the desperate straits hockey is in that they must resort to networks like “Versus” and “Outdoor Life Network”. Ouch.
But what happens when those contracts expire in the middle of the next decade? TBS will probably make a play for the World Series and maybe the NBA finals, while ESPN would certainly love to add the Super Bowl to it’s lineup. So by 2020 we could see several championships on cable television.
What would this mean for the future? Well, again it means lost revenue among homes without cable television and increasing indifference. But then, this is a trend that’s been going on for sometime. After all, new sports stadiums have been pushing the common fan further from the action while allowing corporate suits the good seats and modern amenities. It simply means fans can’t follow their teams as closely as they would like.
Revenue for each of the major sports is as high as it’s ever been, but that’s because they nickel and dime their fans for everything they can. People seem to be growing tired of paying through the nose for everything and I get the feeling that at some point everyday fans will have had enough and start boycotting games. Will moving the championship to cable TV be enough to spark the boycott? Probably not. But it does widen the gap a little more between the common fan and the major sports.

 

TRADITION VERSUS OFFENSIVENESS…(11-22-08)
Today Illinois and Northwestern played for the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk trophy for the last time. The prize, a replica tomahawk in a wooden frame, will be retired as the University of Illinois continues to shed any Native American imagery it has that the NCAA deems “hostile and offensive”. In 2005 the NCAA banned the U of I from hosting any postseason tournaments until it did so.
At the time I wrote a scathing article, blasting the NCAA, U of I Board of Trustees, and political correctness in general. That article was never published because it was written in anger, but I still agree with much of what I wrote.
If the squeaky wheel gets the grease, then the NCAA hands out lubricant by the truckload. Within reason, obviously this isn’t a bad thing. After all, you don’t want to go around ticking everybody off.
Where does it end? How many people need to be offended before you take action? For the NCAA, that threshold seems to be extremely low.
The trophy itself isn’t the issue here, at least for me. After all, Northwestern and Illinois will design a new trophy for next years game, and that will be that. A trophy can be replaced.
But tradition can’t. The Sweet Sioux Tomahawk has been around since 1947. It has become a significant part of the Northwestern-Illinois rivalry. And now it’s gone just like that.
If a tradition is truly offensive, then yes, it should be eliminated. But there needs to be a balance between weighing historical value and how offensive something is. In general, it was just a loud few who protested the Native American names like the Fighting Illini. But the NCAA is on a mission to eliminate anything and everything that anyone anywhere takes offense to.
Part of what makes the NCAA great is the tradition. Anyone who goes to college becomes attached to their alma mater on some level for life. My aunt made the point today that the “I-L-L, I-N-I” cheer by Illini fans was there when she was in school. And that’s the point. These traditions connect generations of fans. People of all ages, races, and backgrounds can come together and have that common bond of goofy fight songs and silly traditions. But the more the NCAA insists on pleasing everybody, the weaker the inter-generational bond.
I’m not saying the NCAA should stop this witch hunt for anything non-politically correct. But I do ask that they at least use common sense when making decisions, and weigh the historical value of tradition versus the number of people who take offense. The way I see it, you haven’t had a full day until you’ve ticked a few people off.

 

GOING TO THE BIG HOUSE…(11-16-08)
Good football teams at Northwestern happen about as frequently as the passing of Halley’s Comet. Including this year, they have won eight games for the sixth time in the last 103 years. So on the rare occasion that we have a good team, you see them as often as you can. You don’t know when that chance will come around again.
I had a chance to see Northwestern play up in Ann Arbor at Michigan Stadium aka The Big House. Victories for my Wildcats up there are about as rare as eight win seasons, because usually Michigan is very good and Northwestern, well, isn’t. But this year it looked like we might actually beat the Wolverines, so I took a bus trip to Michigan along with about 50 other Northwestern students.
Unfortunately, the game started at noon, meaning the bus had to leave here at 5:30 in the morning. I don’t know about you, but waking up at 5:00 AM does not rank very highly on my “Things I Want to do on Saturday” list. My body grudgingly agreed to wake up, but only because it was for a good cause. So I donned my purple hat, purple sweater, and purple jacket and headed for the bus.
We had been promised breakfast on the trip. What I didn’t know was that “breakfast” consisted of: a) a slice of cinnamon bread, and b) a bottle of Gatorade. The breakfast of champions it wasn’t.
When we pulled into Ann Arbor some five hours later I realized that perhaps I shouldn’t have dressed like a grape. There were around 107,000 football fans around, 106,900 of whom were in maize and blue. I was a slight minority.
We got our tickets and of course my first reaction was to see where we were sitting. Section 9. Ok, not bad, I can handle that. Row 87. Wait, what? 87?! They have that many rows?
 < The Big House...on a nicer day. Much nicer.
Yup, it’s true. Michigan Stadium only has one bowl, but with approximately 95 rows. We were tucked in the corner of one end zone almost at the top of the stadium. Primo seats.
Even better, the wind was blowing right into our faces. As was the sleet. I imagine that we Northwestern students looked like a group of purple penguins as we huddled together, trying to keep warm. Halfway through the first quarter I was already soaked head to toe. Had I been a goldfish I would have been thrilled.
The game was a fairly exciting one, although we were losing by a touchdown at the half. With about a minute to go in the first half everyone bolted to get into the concession area, out of the wind. I’m not sure anyone was left in the actual stadium.
After the half, many people chose to remain there. When I went back out only about three-fourths of the seats were filled, whereas earlier most of the place was packed. Darn fair-weather fans.
Unfortunately the clump of Northwestern students also shrank, making it tougher for us to group together and keep warm. The gusting winds and sleet did not help matters either.
Northwestern did end up winning, and with about a minute left I was able to sneak down to the first row because most Michigan fans had already left (I can’t imagine why). Many other Northwestern fans gathered there and as soon as the game ended the football players all came over, high-fived fans, and we all sang the Northwestern fight song together.
Things got even better. When I got to the concession areas most of the fans had already left, and many hotdogs and boxes of popcorn were left uneaten, so concession stands were giving away food for free. This made the whole trip worth going on (although winning the game was pretty cool too).
The ride back was miserable because everyone was stuck in their soaking coats and pants. When I got back to my dorm room I peeled off my socks and had to actually wring them out before throwing them into the hamper. I took a shower, and I think I actually got drier than I had been. In any event, I was happy to feel my fingers and toes again.
Here I have to give a shout out to Michigan fans. Other than one fan giving us the bird and shouting a very personal remark at us, they were very cordial. They really didn’t boo our players, and they never gave Northwestern fans a hard time. All in all it was a great experience and I would love to go again sometime. On a sunny day. In August. Maybe.



 

iTune You Out …(11-8-08)
You see them everywhere. At the gym, in the library, around the local coffee shops. Just walking down the street you will probably see more people with them than without them.
I’m talking, of course, about musical devices. Mp3 players, iPods, CD players, you name it. Especially in college, you see people everywhere tuning out the world and focusing on whatever they are doing, whether they are exercising, studying, going to class, or just relaxing.
And it’s not necessarily a good thing. People tune in the music and tune out the world. This is one symptom of a society that, for better or worse, has become increasingly individualized.
Take Apple’s recent innovations: iPod, iPhone, iMac, iTunes, etc. Yes, the “I” is just a branding thing, but it carries with it connotations of “me”, as in the product is specialized for each individual. And as the individual is emphasized, people become more concerned with themselves than those around them. And this leads to less interaction in general.
Think about it. How often do you see two strangers strike up a conversation, or one person helping another pick up their things? These things just don’t happen anymore because people are too absorbed in their own activities like listening to music or talking on their cell phones.
This is not to say I am completely against cell phones or music players. But every now and again I would like to see people put these things down and actually interact with someone. Bored? Try talking to someone instead of texting. Want to listen to something? How about paying attention to the sights and sounds around you rather than the latest Rihanna soundtrack.
It isn’t just a matter courtesy. It’s also a matter of safety. I’ve seen students walk out in front of cars while talking on their cell phones and almost get hit. It happens where students with music players get robbed because they didn’t hear anyone coming up on them. And don’t even get me started on people who talk on their cell phones while driving down the highway.
This is one of those “if you put a frog in a boiling pot of water” things. Gradually we have become more accustomed to technology and slowly work our way from the real world to a “Mr. Gadget” life with all the latest toys. And I expect this trend to continue.
I’m not saying the iPod will be responsible the fall of Western Civilization. But I am encouraging people to put down the noisemakers occasionally and engage with the world around them. Help a stranger. Talk to the person next to you. Anything. And if I catch you texting at dinner or talking on your phone while driving, I will smash the darn thing while it’s still attached to your head.

 

THE SELLOUT...(11-2-08)
     I have come to the realization that I will do just about anything if the price is right, up to and including going to Hell and back.  How else do you explain my willingness to help CBS cover Barack Obama’s election night rally in Chicago?
    Me, a staunch conservative Republican, going to an Obama event on election night is about like a mailman attending a pit bull convention.  There will be thousands and thousands of folks there who hate you and everything you stand for.  Even worse, polls indicate their guy has about a 95% chance of winning, which coincidently also happen to be the odds of me looking for a sharp object to slit my wrists with later that evening.  No, I’m not planning on having a very happy night.
    But what about the days leading up to the rally?  I get to work with CBS, right?  Hopefully pick up a few pointers and make a few contacts for down the road?  Not quite.  I am what is officially termed a “runner” which is a polite way of saying “office slave”.  I run and get breakfast, office supplies, and anything else the staff needs.  I also do random jobs like untangling wires, marking lines, and doing generally unskilled work.  Not exactly the glamor side of TV.
    So why am I doing this?  Money.  I’m making $14 an hour to be demeaned and subject myself to what will probably be one of the Top 5 worst nights of my life.
    But I guess that’s part of the college experience:  doing dumb things to make a few extra bucks.  Some guys make their money betting on how many beers they can drink, I make my money by going to the inner circles of my personal Hell.  Looking at it that way, I think the beer guys are smarter.  At least their head only hurts for a little while afterwards.  My head will (probably) hurt for the next four years.
    And to be fair, it has been pretty fun so far.  I’ve gotten to work with some great people.  Plus, there are three other runners so we can commiserate together (although I’m the lone conservative, meaning on Tuesday night I’ll be all alone in my misery).  And the work hasn’t been that hard considering the money I’m making.  Plus, I’m the one shopping for all of the snacks, so I always have plenty of food around.  Still, for some reason spending election night with 70,000 of my closest enemies just doesn’t sound too appealing.

 

 

LOSERS UNITE…(10-19-08)
Hey you! Is a pocket protector a part of your daily attire? Can you fluently speak Klingon? Have you ever dressed up as a character when you go to the movies? In short, are you a loser? If so, rise up my friend! The last shall be first.
How else do you explain this year’s likely World Series matchup of the Tampa Bay Rays and Philadelphia Phillies? Think about it.
This is Tampa Bay’s 11^th season in existence and already they have a special wing in baseball’s Hall of Shame. Before this year, they had never won more than 70 games in a season. In their previous ten seasons they have accumulated one fourth place finish and nine last-place finishes. Nine of ten! The only way they could see first place was with a telescope. Like the Hubble. Tampa Bay’s “winning” percentage before this year was .399, worst among all major-league teams. The only thing spending more time in the cellar was fine wine.
What do Phillies fans have to say about this? “Rookies.”
The Philadelphia Phillies know a thing or two about losing. They hold the record for most consecutive losing seasons with 16 (although, in true Philly fashion, will likely lose that record to the Pirates, who suffered their 16^th consecutive losing season this year with little hope of improvement in the near future).
The Phillie’s .468 winning percentage is worst among the original 16 teams. Last season they “celebrated” their 10,000th loss, the first franchise ever to do so (hey, at least the were first at something). In baseball history, 23 teams have had winning percentages lower than .300 (min. 140 games played). The Phillies have nine of those, in addition to five other 100-loss seasons. Basically, the time Philadelphia wasn’t bad was when it was awful. In 125 years of existence, they have won four pennants and one World Series. Yes, Tampa could soon have as many championships as the Phillies despite Philadelphia having a 116-year head start. So although the Rays are off to a pathetic start, they have a long way to go before reaching the consistent ineptitude achieved by the Phillies.
This year’s (probable) World Series shows that yes, just about anything is possible. Mr. Pocket Protector, you too can get the girl. Mr. Fluent Klingon Speaker, your love life still has hope. Losers of the world, unite!

 

 

HERE'S A TIP...(10-12-08)
On the shuttle to the Northwestern football game today the driver had a box with a sign that said “Thanks for Tips” taped to it. This was so wrong for so many reasons.
A tip is supposed to be given only in extraordinary circumstances, for going well above and beyond the call of duty. Why did the driver deserve a tip? For taking me to the game (as he is paid to do)? For not crashing the bus (as he is paid to do)? For not being a jerk to me (as he is paid to do)? What was exceptional about his service?
You see this everywhere. Of course there are the customary tips in sit-down restaurants, but now you will see tips jars at many fast-food places. A tip for what? Not spitting in my burger?
This started as an absolutely brilliant scheme by restaurant owners. They underpay the wait staff so badly that the servers actually depend on tips to make a living. How can they get away with this? Seriously, there is no other business where the owner is allowed to rip off his employees, forcing them to depend on customers to pick up the slack. We have to pay the owner for the burger, and then pay his employees for doing the job that they are supposed to do. Memo to restaurant owners: Pay your employees so your customers don’t have to!
And anyone else asking for tips is just asinine. If you deserve a tip for going the extra mile, you will get it. Coffee baristas, cashiers, taxi drivers, hotel maids, you name it. Don’t try and guilt people into giving you a few extra bucks. You already get paid for doing your job. It’s called your salary.
The worst part is that they get away with it. People will get their change back, see the tips jar, and put a few bucks in it out of shame more than anything. After all, who wants to be seen as a cheapskate?
This proliferation of tip jars actually speaks to a larger trend in this country: people now expect to be rewarded simply for doing their job. A tips box suggests that a gratuity is no longer appreciated, but expected. What is this country coming to? We are now supposed to reward adequacy rather than exceptional service? Our work ethic has dropped so much that doing what you are paid to do is considered above and beyond. Want a tip? Get a job that pays enough so you don’t have to ask for tips.
So restaurant owners, start paying your wait staff, and everyone else, stop asking for undeserved gratuities. Deal? On a side note, something tells me that my next McChicken will include a little extra “sauce” courtesy of my cashier.

  

 

SWEET RELIEF…(10-5-08)
I normally don’t think of myself as a sadistic person. I try to be a
happy person, and I prefer that those around me are happy. When
someone else is sad, I attempt to cheer them up. Usually.
But not Cubs fans. The Cubs just finished laying one of the largest
postseason eggs in recent memory and I couldn’t be happier.
In the postseason, I followed the ’08 Cubs more closely than any team
other than the Cardinals. I watched just about every pitch of every
game, hoping against all hope that the Dodgers somehow, some way could
beat this juggernaut Chicago team.
I usually prefer to root for a team rather than against it, simply
because rooting so hard for a team to fail is usually sign of envy and
bitterness. And in a way, I was envious and bitter towards the ’08
Cubs. Unlike most versions of the team, this one was a legitimate
threat to win the World Series and end the 100-year championship
drought. I didn’t want that to happen.
For one, the Cubs are the Cardinal’s bitter arch-rival. Worse, I’m
deep in the heart of enemy territory. Being in Chicago when the Cubs
won the World Series would be slightly more painful than having
appendicitis, a leg amputated, and open heart surgery simultaneously
while repeatedly getting hit over the head with a crowbar. Without
anesthesia.
In the end I suppose it’s more relief than joy that I’m feeling now
that the Northsiders have been knocked out of post-season play. I
won’t have to be in Chicago while Cubs fans celebrate a championship.
Call it anger. Call it resentment. Call it whatever you like. I’ll
call it a Dodger sweep.

IT'S ALL IN THE NUMBERS...(9-28-08)
If you want to do something completely pointless with your life, college is the place to do it.  Because of distribution requirements, I’ve had to take useless classes like Pre-Columbian Art, Russian Literature, Intro to Fiction, 20^th Century American Literature (I’m not too keen on literature, in case you can’t tell), and Medieval History.  But I found a story that makes Russian Literature look like a beacon of practicality.

FAN-TASTIC BEHAVIOR…(9-21-08)
How should a fan of a baseball team behave at the ballpark? Should
you boo your team when they play poorly? Love your boys
unconditionally? Can you yell and scream all you want, or should you
be more reserved and considerate of those around you?
This was the crux of my argument with Artificial Turf host and Yankee
fan extraordinaire Bill Rogan. He believes fans need to be heard.
When All-Star third baseman Alex Rodriguez strikes out in a key spot,
he feels that Rodriguez needs to be reminded that he failed.
Apparently he isn’t the only Yanks fan that feels this way, because
Rodriguez is now routinely serenaded by the boo birds at Yankee
Stadium. Bill would also tell me stories of his frequent trips to the
ball yard where fans around him would yell obnoxiously for all nine
innings, informing various players that their level of play was
inadequate (Hey Johnson! You suck!).
It’s simply the way of Yankee fans: Be heard. And I have to give
Yankee fans credit for continuing to show up. They lead Major League
Baseball in attendance once again. They are the only team to have 4
million people pass through their turnstiles. Win or lose, they are
always there. They just might not support you if you screw up.
Cardinal fans are quite different. We almost never boo our own
players, and when on the rare occasion it does happen, it’s normally
well deserved. A little different than New York or, say,
Philadelphia, where all you have to do to get booed is have a pulse.
Unlike the more boisterous New York crowd, Cardinal fans are much
more reserved. Busch Stadium is a more family-friendly place, where
seldom is heard a discouraging word. Cards fans have been called “The
Best Fans in Baseball” and they work hard to maintain that title.
Walking into Busch Stadium you get the feeling of “Midwestern
hospitality”. Even opposing fans are treated nicely. Heck, opposing
players will get cheered if they make a nice defensive play.
Intimidation is not a strong suit of Cardinal fans.
The way we see it, there is no reason to boo our guys. If they are
playing poorly, they are already aware of it. They don’t need the
reminder that they are having a tough time. It adds to the pressure
that player is already feeling to perform. They then press more,
which usually leads to even more struggles. But at least the guy
knows he sucks. No, Cards fans love their boys through thick and
thin. We even love the opposition when they do something
spectacular. Cardinal fans just want to see good baseball.
So when should fans boo their guys? Or should they stand behind
their team no matter what? It really just depends on the city. On
the East Coast, especially in places like the Big Apple and Philly,
fans aren’t afraid to voice their opinions. In Midwestern cities like
St. Louis and Kansas City, fans are more quiet and hospitable (of
course, Royals fans are also quiet because they don’t have enough fans
at the ballpark to be loud). And on the West Coast, fans are more
laid back. For example, at Dodger games fans don’t show up until the
third inning. To each their own.

 

DRIVING MISS DAISY…(9-14-08)
I have twin sisters, Monica and Melanie, on the cusp of celebrating their Sweet Sixteenth. As you parents of fifteen year olds know, this is a very, very scary time because it means driving permits (and parents: take that fear you have and double it. That’s what I’m going through)
I seriously think my twin sisters were meant to be one child. Together, they would be the perfect driver: good speed on the straightaways, cautious around turns, always wearing a seatbelt, religiously following the two-second tailgating rule.
Unfortunately, they were born as two and instead of the perfect driver we get the two extremes. Melanie never slows down below 35 miles an hour on turns and drives 80 on the interstate, even with traffic. I’m convinced that by the age of 18 her friends will have worn out two pairs of “Oh s---!” handles (for those of you who don’t know, “oh s---!” handles are the handles above the passenger doors that people hang on to when you take a turn too fast). And for her tailgating is a way of life. She makes the little old lady from Pasadena look like she’s traveling by horse and buggy. I don’t care what race her friends are when they get in the car with her; by the time they get out they will be white.
Monica takes the speed limit literally and will not go above it. She won’t move the car unless everyone in the car is buckled in. And she slows down and flips on her turn signal about a mile before her turn. There is not a driving law that she does not follow to the letter. Forget driving Miss Daisy. This is like riding with her.
So you get the picture. Having these two driving together in a convoy is like mixing gasoline and an open flame: not a good idea, and something is probably going to blow up. And yet on our last trip there we were, Speed Racer following right behind Tammy Tortoise. There were several problems with this: 1) I was actually in the convoy, and thus in some danger of direct bodily harm. 2) Monica was driving my car, meaning it stood a very good chance of getting rear-ended by Melanie.
I decided the best way to handle such extenuating circumstances was to sleep through it because if we crashed, my car was going down, and me along with it. I didn’t care to see the end for both of us.
From what little I did see, I think I made the right choice. I was riding with Melanie, so I got to watch as we constantly got about two feet from the back bumper of my car before my mom would tell her to slow down. Then we’d back off briefly before speeding right back on to Monica’s tail again. And it didn’t help that Monica kept hitting the brakes. Keep in mind we were on an interstate highway in the middle of Nebraska. Nebraska! There is nothing anywhere in sight. And yet Monica kept hitting the brakes once she hit 71 miles per hour (my dad made her drive at least 70 to somewhat appease Melanie). Watching from the second vehicle, my car looked like a window during Christmas with all the blinking red lights.
The thing is, this is my parent’s first time really going through this as well. Yes, both me and my younger brother, Darren, had to go through a similar process when we got our licenses, but growing up on the farm we had been driving for years already. Turning 16 just made it legal. But by the time we got our permits we already had some experience, knew the rules, etc. Sure, every now and then I’d take a turn too fast or make a minor gaffe, but in general it was smooth sailing.
Not so with my sisters. When the girls first got their permits, I was talking to Darren when he said, “Now I know where all those teenage driving stereotypes come from. THEY’RE TRUE!” Of course at the time I thought he was joking. After all, how hard is it to drive? Besides, making fun of new drivers is a right of passage. It happens to all of us. I had no idea how right Darren was.
So both of my sisters got in about three hours of driving, which basically consisted of my mom telling Melanie “Slow down!” and “Leave more space!” and my sister arguing “There is space!” Technically, she was right. She always left space between ours and Monica’s. It’s just sometimes I’m not sure Kate Moss turned sideways could have fit between them. When you’re going 70 miles per hour, that’s not a good thing.
When we stopped for lunch I leapt out of the vehicle and kissed the ground numerous times, followed by me vigorously hugging my car, thrilled that both of us were still in one piece. On the bright side, my heart was beating about four times the normal rate, meaning I got my cardiovascular workout in for the day.
I have to lend out my car to one of my sisters to use for the next few years while I’m at college, so I bestowed it on to Monica. She is very cautious, and the chances of her wrecking are very slim. Even if she hits something, I doubt she’ll be going fast enough to damage anything. As long as Melanie isn’t right behind her.
   
EXPERIENCE GAINED...(9-5-08)
        I had the chance to cover the Democratic National Convention last week.  Obviously it was a great experience for me.  I was so excited about this very rare opportunity.  

 

 < "What convention? Go Broncos!"

 

 

A VIEW ON ROIDS…(8-17-08)
Contrary to popular belief, steroids have not ruined baseball.
People look at suspected steroid users like Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa,
and Mark McGwire, get up on their soap box, and loudly proclaim “You
were WRONG!” It is this suspicion of steroid use that will keep them
out of the Hall of Fame for years to come.
Now, I am not arguing that those guys did not use steroids. All
three probably did. Most likely, so did guys like Roger Clemens and
Rafael Palmiero. The issue is not who took what, where, and when.
The issue is whether or not steroids provide a substantial advantage,
one that would warrant steroid users being left out of the Hall.
If, say, Barry Bonds were the only player taking steroids when he
broke the career home run record, then no, he should not be recognized
as the all-time leader and he should be kicked out of baseball. But
looking at the lists of admitted steroid users, implicated players,
and suspected players, it is not so much a “Who’s who” as it is a
“Who’s that?” Many players have come under suspicion for a myriad of
reasons, from a significantly altered physical appearance to receipts
of purchased performance enhancers. Heck, if Jose Canseco mentions
you in his book your name is done. After the fallout from his first
book, Canseco’s word is taken pretty much as gospel.
Many estimates suggest over half of major league players took some
performance-enhancing drugs at some point, whether it be steroids,
human growth hormone (HGH), or something else altogether. Heck, many
guys who never even made the big leagues (or only got to enjoy a cup
of coffee while up) have been caught. Do you know what Jorge Piedra,
Agustin Montero, Jamal strong, and Yusaku Iriki have in common (aside
from the fact that you have never heard of them)? All have failed an
MLB drug test. In other