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Turf Tales 5
 These authentic fictional artificial true Turf Tales are for your reading pleasure. Any similarity between real and fake folk is completely intentional and non-coincidental. These Turf Tales have the express written consent of Major League Baseball and their subsidiaries. Enjoy and please, no lawsuits.
LOWERY NO FRONT RUNNER
It is certainly very rare when every single one of a sports fan’s teams are reigning champions. That though is the case for Sean Lowery.
“I’m blessed to have all my favorite teams win championships in the same year,” said the El Paso, Texas native. “This is certainly an amazing time in my life.”
Lowery, 27, is a fan of the World Series Champion St. Louis Cardinals, the NBA Champion Miami Heat, The Stanley Cup Champion Carolina Hurricanes and the NFL Champion Indianapolis Colts. He is also a fan of the Florida Gators football and basketball programs.
“Don’t forget, I love Tennessee women’s hoops,” said the proud Lowery. “We beat Rutgers for another title for the Lady Vols and Coach Pat Summit.”
When a friend accused Lowery of being a “bandwagon” fan, Lowery took it as a personal affront.
“That person is no longer my friend. To be called a bandwagon fan is insulting to me and the teams I’ve always supported with my heart and soul.”
That said, Lowery offered up no explanation for the loads of New England Patriots, San Antonio Spurs, New York Yankees, Detroit Red Wings, Florida Marlins, Southern Cal football, Duke basketball, Connecticut women’s basketball and Los Angeles Lakers gear stuffed into a large box tucked away in his closet.
“Um, I don’t know how that stuff got in there. I really don’t. I’ve never liked those teams. Must be someone playing a prank on me.”
THE COLUMNIST
By Paul Giddings
 This is my first sports column for the Herald News. Many people didn’t think I would last long enough to become a columnist because of my track record of quitting jobs before I could see the fruits of my labor. This proves that I’m no quitter and that I….this is insane. I’m a columnist for the largest paper in Montana and I’m only getting paid 32-grand a year? That’s it. I quit. This is BS.
NBA STAR SUMMER CAMP
Parents, if you have dreamed of having your child become an NBA star but don’t know where to turn, then the NBA Star Summer Camp is for you.
Run by former NBA stars Isaiah Rider and Shawn Kemp, this camp will teach your kids the basics of how to behave like an NBA star.
“We can’t give your kid game but we can teach him how to act like a spoiled, pampered superstar,” says camp director Lew Slaton. “Your kid will exit camp a totally different, much more confident youngster than when he entered camp.”
Topics covered in the camp include how to blame your teammates for losing, the theory of shoot first and pass never, beating drug tests, treating the media like garbage, ignoring autograph requests, why defense is only an option, trash talking and bragging, practicing free throws is a waste of time, going gangsta, how to get coaches fired and contract dissatisfaction.
Upon completion of camp, the youngsters will be given a free tattoo and a DVD of Rasheed Wallace’s Greatest Temper Tantrums.
To register your child for this camp, just go to www.nbastarssummercampwillturnyourkidintoacompletejackass.com
LIONS FANS WANT TO KILL MILLEN
Fans of the Detroit Lions are up in arms over the team’s third round selection in the recently completed NFL Draft.
Lions General Manager Matt Millen selected Ted Winthorpe, a placeholder out of Mansfield University in Pennsylvania. That choice drove Lions fan Ed Moritz to say, “I just want to put my hands on Millen and strangle him. As Lions fans we could tolerate 6-10 seasons. Now with Millen, a 6-10 season seems like a stretch.”
Another Lions supporter, Hal Drummond said, “A place-holder? Are you kidding me? A freakin placeholder? Get me a gun. If I don’t take out Millen who will?”
 < Matt Millen.
Millen defended his pick.
“We have one of the premier kickers in the league in Jason Hanson. We feel it is only right to grab a top quality placeholder in a guy like Winthorpe. He didn’t muff or fumble a snap in his entire high school or college career.”
Winthorpe was thrilled, yet baffled by his selection.
“I’m really surprised I was picked in the draft. It’s not really a dream come true because I never dreamt it. It is true; I never messed up on spotting the ball for place kicks. But I only did it six or seven times in my entire college career. I did play a little at safety though so I am not just a place-holder.”
Former Bears Head Coach Mike Ditka was asked to comment on Millen’s selection of a placeholder but the Hall-of-Famer couldn’t respond because he was laughing too hard.
QB's BREAK OUT SEASON
Chris Larson’s sophomore year as quarterback at Fillmore High was a difficult one. The Terriers had an up and down season and the inexperienced Larson, although taking his lumps, did show improvement.
Coach Doug Clavelli was excited about Larson’s future.
“I saw enough to know that Chris will have a breakout season as a junior,” said the veteran coach.
Little did Clavelli know that the breakout season would occur not on the field but on Larson’s face.
“I thought Chris was cute last year,” said Fillmore cheerleader Missy Ogden. “But over the summer his face broke out and now he looks nasty.”
“Chris Larson? Oh, you mean pizza face? I try to stay away from that guy,” said wide receiver Brantley Moore. “When he touches his face then throws the ball, I can’t catch it because it’s so greasy.”
 < Close up of QB Chris Larson.
“Yeah, I’ve had a little acne,” said Larson. “But it should clear up by wrestling season.”
SPORTS YAKKER
“Let’s go to the phone lines. Sammy, you’re on Sports Chatter with Rusty Cooper.”
“Hey, Rusty, great show. First time caller, long time listener.”
“Great, what’s up man?”
“Well Rusty, what do you think the Rockies will do with Mark O’Brien? I mean, the guy is 4-11 with an ERA over six. He’s killing us.”
“They should trade O’Brien for a dozen bats and a bullpen catcher to be named later. That guy is an embarrassment. His ERA is more bloated than he is. What is he up to, 260, 270 pounds now? How a guy can go out there looking like that, disgracing a major league uniform is beyond me. How does the team let him get away with that? Does this glorified batting practice pitcher even have an ounce of pride? Even a little bit? If I was running the show over there I’d tell him to get his fat ass in shape or get out. What a slob. He’s washed up and just out there for a paycheck. He’s disgraceful. There Sammy, that is what I think of Mark O’Freakin Brien. We’ll be back with more Sports Chatter with Rusty Cooper on Sports Zone Radio, the sports voice of Colorado.”
With that, the balding, single, 36-year old, 345-pound, chain-smoking, alcoholic Cooper got up from behind the microphone, flipped aside his dandruff-laced headset and headed towards the lounge to sink his rotting teeth into the recently delivered pepperoni pizza. The delicious pizza was, of course, courtesy of Johnny’s New York Pizza, located at Wadsworth and Mississippi in Lakewood, Colorado.
(Hey, we take care of our sponsors, even in a Turf Tale!)
THE NEGRO LEAGUE'S UGLY SECRET
Controversial sports historian Clive Christiansen has written a new book in which he reveals the true reason behind the lack of integration in baseball until 1947.
In “Left Out”, Christiansen, also known as the Oliver Stone of sports journalism, claims that white ballplayers were denied the right to play in the Negro League’s because of racist club owners.
“Face it,” Christiansen told Artificial Turf, “The black ball clubs didn’t want white players. One team owner, Rufus Jones, wanted to integrate the game. He even promised to have a separate dressing room for white players and separate drinking fountains in the dugout. But the other owners were steadfast in not letting white boys into their game.”
Through his exhaustive research, Christiansen also says that the white players in the Major Leagues had it much rougher and tougher than their Negro League counterparts.
 < Negro League teams travelled in style according to Clive Christiansen.
“The white teams stayed at third rate hotels. The travel was harsh and they had to barnstorm at the end of the season to make ends meet. The sad part is while everybody knew the great Negro League players like Josh Gibson, Satchel Paige and Cool Papa Bell, hardly anyone has ever heard of players like Babe Ruth, Walter Johnson and Ty Cobb. Cobb actually hoped to become the first white player to cross over and test his skills in the Negro Leagues but he was denied that opportunity. The white players put up with all this simply for the love of the game. It is also a known fact that the white players were paid peanuts compared to the lavish salaries the black players received. It’s a shame and this book hopes to shed light on a dark chapter in baseball history, no pun intended.”
(Christiansen’s next book, “Where Are All The White Hockey Players?” is due in bookstores in November.)
STUDY SHOWS RAIDERS FANS MOST RABID
An NFL sanctioned study, conducted by Stanford University researchers, shows that the Oakland Raiders have the most rabid fans in football.
Professor Evan Ginsberg, who led the study, says, “Most people suspected that Raiders fans were the most rabid in the NFL and this study proves that more than 75-percent of Oakland Raiders fans have rabies.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the study was needed to protect the fans of the other 31 teams in the league.
“We found very few other cases of fans infected with rabies,” Goodell said. “Except for when they had contact with Raiders fans. This is a problem and we are thinking about banning them from opposing venues and quarantining them to the Oakland Coliseum.”
 < Rabid Raiders fans.
Doctor Allen C. Rosenberg, from the Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta, added, “Rabid Raiders fans have been a problem for years. They also lead the NFL in flea, tick and lice infestation and sexually transmitted diseases. However, here in Atlanta, we really can’t pay too much attention to Raiders fans. We have our hands full with Michael Vick.”
LAST MAN STANDING
Mauricio Campanero from Argentina was declared the winner of the Tour de France after he was found to be the only rider who didn’t fail a drug test.
Campanero, who most experts felt was easily the worst rider in The Tour, said,
“I’m proud to win the most prestigious bike race in the world. My strategy of not using any illegal drugs or blood doping paid off.”
Tour de France race director Francois LeFluer said, “The fact that this Campanero guy won is embarrassing. He finished well last in every stage. To have him as Tour champ is a disgrace.”
The result of the race has organizers and officials wondering if they should just do away with drug tests and let the riders take whatever drugs they want.
“Its just bike racing. Its not a regular sport like baseball or football,” said long-time cycling journalist Matt Farber. “Why not let each rider just dope up and may the best doper win?”
“I’m in favor of that,” said American cyclist Floyd Landis.
MAN COMES CLEAN
A man who claims he shot a 54-under par 18 at Green Hills Ranch Country Club last week now has changed his tune.
“I’m embarrassed to say it but I didn’t shoot an 18 at Green Hills,” said Chuck Martin of San Diego. “Looking back it does seem somewhat unrealistic to have 18-hole in one’s even on an easy course like Green Hills.”
Green Hills head golf pro Tyler James smelled hoax all along.
“When Martin came in with his scorecard that said 18, I knew he was full of it," said James. “Last week he shot a 116 on the same course and then he shoots an 18? Put it this way, I was immediately skeptical.”
“I didn’t think Chuck could get away with this,” said his playing partner Randy Maybring. “But he paid me $50 bucks to go along with his story. I can’t get arrested for this can I?”
The shamed Martin added, “I never should have said I shot an 18. I guess that does look suspicious. I should have been satisfied with my 29-under 43.”
SIDELINE REPORTER FIRED
Deborah Simons, 47, has been fired from her sideline reporting duties on NFL games on Fox.
Simons, who many feel was among the best reporters in the business, is going to file suit after she was told by executive producer Don Ellison that she was “too hideous” to be seen on television.
“Don told me that he was getting complaints about my looks,” said Simons. “I’m a broadcast journalist, not a centerfold. They’ll pay for this.”
Ellison, 56, denied making the “hideous” comment but did say, “Look, she’s a nice girl. But she was making our male-dominated audience ill. I’ve seen the bottom of shoes that look better.”
When questioned about her credentials, Ellison said, “Who cares about her credentials. I could get a trained monkey to work the sidelines. Bottom line is we are in the ratings business. Harsh? Yes. Cruel? Yes. That’s the way our business works.”
In a related story, Ellison said that Miss April 2006 would take Simons place on the sidelines.
When asked her name, Ellison said, “Name? Who cares about her name? All I know is that she’s 23, a babe and she’s willing to date me!”
ANOTHER SATISFIED LISTENER
An irate radio listener of the Artificial Turf program sent a dunning letter to station management, complaining about 18-minutes of dead air.
“Incredibly impersonal and out of touch,” claimed John Hoffman from Loveland, Colorado. “What a pity the whole affair was. It was extremely disturbing not to be able to listen to this program. You are all a bunch of incompetent morons.”
A follow up with the disgruntled listener found that he actually had the volume control turned down and that is why he was unable to hear the program.
“You are still a bunch of incompetent morons,” claimed Hoffman, a man who has never made an error or mistake in his 23-year career of picking up dead animal carcasses along Boulder County roads.
BULLY CONFRONTED
Jason Schuster was tired of having his lunch money taken each day by class bully Joey Scalivetti. The 4th grader at Fillmore Elementary School was also weary of having Scalivetti knock his books out of his hands and shove his face into the snow.
Each day was torture for the diminutive Schuster. He tried to avoid the bigger, stronger Scalivetti but rarely succeeded.
After numerous complaints to school administrators fell on deaf ears, Schuster’s father Henry, decided it was time for young Jason to take boxing and karate lessons.
Jason enjoyed learning how to defend himself. After several weeks, Jason felt he was ready to stand up to Joey, the meanest kid at Fillmore.
“I’ll see you after school punk,” Joey said to Jason just after lunch on a Friday afternoon. “By the basketball courts. Be there or else.”
Normally Jason would have tried to avoid going near the basketball courts after school. He would have tried to sneak onto the school bus and get home as quick as possible. Not today. No, today would be different for Jason Schuster. He was going to stand up to the big bad bully. Joey, the dumbest kid in school, was in for a major surprise.
Word had gotten out that Joey was going to meet Jason in the schoolyard by the basketball hoops. A bunch of kids who encouraged Joey so he wouldn’t bully them were on hand to see the carnage.
“I’m surprised you’re here punk,” said Joey in an angry, snarling tone. “Give me your money.”
“You’ll get nothing you big donkey,” was Jason’s reply.
“What was that?”
“You heard me you big donkey. You’ll get nothing.”
Jason couldn’t believe he was standing up to the bully. He was nervous but not scared. He was actually confident that he could beat up Joey Scalivetti.
Joey moved closer.
“Give me your money or else,” the angry bully said as he knocked Jason's books to the ground.
It was then Jason threw a punch at the face of Joey. The bully grabbed Jason’s little fist and squeezed it tightly. You could hear the bones of Jason’s hand breaking.
Then Joey Scalivetti proceeded to beat Jason Schuster to a bloody pulp, thereby remaining the feared champion bully of Fillmore Elementary School.
ROCKIES NEED NEW DIGS
Colorado Rockies owners Charlie and Dick Monfort say that for the team to be competitive on a yearly basis, Coors Field needs to be replaced.
“Everybody knows that Coors Field has become antiquated and that in order for the Rockies to remain successful we need a new ballpark,” said Charlie Monfort.
“I agree completely with my brother,” Dick Monfort said. “While Coors Field has served our needs the time has come that this tradition-laden ballpark meet the wrecking ball once we get our new, retractable dome stadium.”
“Taxpayer financed,” added Charlie Monfort.
Coors Field opened in 1995 and has seen more than 38 million people pass through the turnstiles. However, since the opening of Coors Field, 10 National League teams have opened up new ballparks with the Mets slated to become the 11th team with a new yard.
 < Outdated Coors Field.
“Look at the Cubs. Their crappy stadium is even older than ours,” noted Dick Monfort. “When was the last time they won anything? We don’t want to be like the Cubs and be known as losers. Plus, the Broncos, Avs, Nuggets and even that soccer team got new facilities. What about us?”
“Yeah,” chimed in Charlie Monfort. “Bottom line is in order to keep winning World Series championships, we need a new ballpark. If we don’t get what we want it looks like we’ll be playing in Albuquerque or El Paso real soon.”
When reminded that the Rockies have never won any World Series championships in their history, Monfort said quietly, “Shhhh. I know that. But our stupid fans don’t.”
KID FAN DISOWNED BY FAMILY
A nine-year-old boy has been sent to a foster home by his parents after it became known that he was a closet Oakland Raiders fan.
Danny Griebel, a fourth grader at St. Cecilia Elementary School in Denver, was forcibly removed from his home after his father Gary discovered a Raiders jersey in his dresser drawer and a Raiders yearbook under his mattress.
“This is totally unacceptable,” said Gary Griebel, 39. “We have three other kids, all Broncos fans. Then this happens. I don’t know where I went wrong.”
Sociologist Dorothy J. Barrett said that some people are just born that way.
“Look, it can be traumatic to discover that a child is a Raiders fan. It happens and some parents have a tough time dealing with it. One would hope a parent would handle the situation better than Mr. Griebel did.”
When confronted by his father, young Danny admitted he was a Raiders fan and always has been.
 < This jersey was found in Danny Griebel's room.
“It’s who I am,” said Danny. “I’m sad that my dad has disowned me. But my two brothers and my sister have been supportive. My mom had a breakdown but I think she’ll come around.”
When asked if he ever will see his son again, Gary Griebel said, “No. I can’t accept this. As a Broncos family we will not allow Danny to disgrace our name any longer. Why couldn’t he just be gay instead of being a Raiders fan? At least we could deal with that.”
Reportedly Al Davis, crusty owner of the Raiders, is considering adopting Danny and making him the special teams coach.
SINGER HUMILIATED
12-year old singing prodigy, Emily Dorfmond, has no plans to sing ever again after a humiliating experience at Yankee Stadium last week.
Dorfmond was booed out of the ballpark by 55-thousand fans after she accidentally sang the Lithuanian national anthem instead of the Star Spangled Banner.
“Emily knows every national anthem in existence,” said her manager Claire
Anders. “Unfortunately, she sang the Lithuanian anthem at Yankee Stadium because she was recently in Lithuania.”
It was in Lithuania that young Emily sang the United States national anthem before a soccer match and thusly booed by 55-thousand crazed Lithuanians.
Yankees Manager Joe Torre said, “Even though she sang the wrong anthem she did do a flawless job of it. She has a wonderful voice.”
BRAIN MATTERS
A recent study conducted by a Harvard University team of researchers reveals that boxing can be good for stupid people but not those who possess intelligence.
The lead researcher of this controversial study, Dr. Richard L. Kreisman said, “Our findings confirm that dumb boxers can get sense beaten into them. On the flip side, intelligent boxers usually end up staring at walls and drooling while humming show tunes.”
One example of the ‘sense beaten into them’ theory is former light-heavyweight Marvin Rivers. The ex-pugilist was totally illiterate when he was asked to leave 3rd grade at the age of 16. He picked up boxing and his lifetime professional record was a dismal 18-53. Rivers, from Detroit, was knocked out in 44 of those losses.
“Mr. Rivers was born dumber than a box of rocks,” explained Dr. Kreisman. “Yet, through boxing his brain, via repeated blows, was re-scrambled into a working, functional brain. This proves, beyond a doubt, that people can literally have sense beaten into them.”
Rivers, a three-time Jeopardy champion, is now a professor at Boston University, teaching smart kids nuclear physics and the dumb ones how to box…poorly.
WORLD’S STRONGEST MAN
Roger Ian MacKenzie of Scotland has recaptured the title of “World’s Strongest Man” with his impressive victory over Magnus Magnusson of Norway and Klaus Routsalainen of Finland yesterday in Slovenia.
MacKenzie easily outdistanced Magnusson and Routsalainen in the Telephone Pole Carry, the Mini-Van Toss and the Cinderblock Juggling events. The Aberdeen native also scored well in the Jumbo Jet Teeth Pull and the Cannonball Badminton competitions.
“I’m very happy to win my fourth strongest man competition,” said a gracious MacKenzie. “Magnus and Klaus were worthy opponents and I am fortunate to have beaten them.”
 < MacKenzie was excited to win the competition.
Magnusson was upset at losing.
“I’ll win my title back next year. All this means is that MacKenzie took more steroids and human growth hormones than me.”
Unlike many other sports and competitions, the Professional Strongman Circuit encourages their athletes to take illegal performance enhancing drugs. Those who fail to test positive for these substances usually face suspension from the PSC and worldwide ridicule, except in the United States where strongman competitions have not captured the imagination of Americans.
Spectator Dave Harper, from Sarasota, Florida took in the recent strongest man competition while vacationing in Slovenia.
“I can’t believe I came all the way here to see this nonsense. My travel agent is so fired. How can a guy who wears a skirt be the world’s strongest man?”
coming to your town soon!
Skip Weisman’s Traveling Baseball History Museum is scheduled to visit Denver next week with the promise of sharing interesting and unique baseball memorabilia.
“Memorabilia that was rejected by the Hall of Fame,” said curator and owner Skip Weisman. “We have many items that are pertinent and relevant to baseball and American history. The Hall of Fame has a bunch of boring stuff, like bats and balls and uniforms. Big deal. We got the good stuff.”
Some of the featured items in Weisman’s Traveling Baseball History Museum include a half-eaten sandwich by Twins outfielder Kirby Puckett before the 1988 All Star game (“It’s a little moldy but still well preserved,” said Weisman), the butts of 93 cigarettes smoked by Orioles Manager Earl Weaver during game 6 of the 1979 World Series (“Earl Weaver’s mouth was on each of these butts!” exclaimed Weisman), the toe nail clippings of former Royals catcher John Wathan (“We couldn’t get George Brett’s clippings,” said Weisman), and a used diaper from a 6-month old Cal Ripken Junior, February 1961 (“Thank goodness Mrs. Ripken Senior used cloth diapers,” Weisman said).
 < Skip Weisman's Traveling Baseball Museum...coming to a town near you soon!
Among other memorabilia visitors can experience at Weisman’s museum include a garden hose used during spring training games in Port Charlotte, Florida in the 1990’s…Sparky Lyle’s half-full, Styrofoam, DNA-tested tobacco spit cup used by the Yankee reliever on July 17, 1977…a forged Candy Maldonado autographed baseball…and the museum’s newest items, a batch of needles and syringes used by Jason Giambi during his MVP season of 2000.
 < Skip Weisman.
The museum trailer will be parked outside of Coors Field during the Rockies next home stand.
“This exhibit is geared towards family fun,” said Steve Gliner, assistant curator of Skip Weisman’s Traveling Baseball Museum. “We hope the people of Colorado come out and support us. And, make sure to check out our most popular exhibit, Mickey Mantle’s original liver!”
CHAMPIONSHIP HOPES OVER...QUICKLY
The minefield that is college football claimed another victim last night.
The Scarlet Knights of Rutgers shellacked the University of Buffalo 38-3, thus derailing the Bulls dream of a National Championship.
“This hurts…real bad,” said somber Buffalo Quarterback Drew Willy. “We worked so hard all spring and summer aiming for a National Championship and then poof, it’s gone first game of the season.”
 < There's always next year for Bulls Junior QB Drew Willy.
Buffalo Head Coach Turner Gill feels for his players.
“I know how hard they’ve worked and how they feel. I’ve been there. One loss and it’s over. But we’ll regroup and try to land that BCS bid.”
Super fan and Bulls booster Jimmy Harrison (UB, class of 1984) was crushed by the stunning setback.
“I think we were all overconfident and looked past Rutgers. Oh well, I better call my travel agent back. I guess I’m not going to the National Championship game in New Orleans.”
THE LONGEST LONGSHOT
“Vince Papale never quit,” said Ron Santorini, “And neither will I.”
Santorini was referring to the former Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Vince Papale who made it to the NFL at the age of 30 and whose story was made into the movie “Invincible”.
Santorini admitted the odds are stacked him but he said that fact only motivates him more.
“Look, I’m a realist. I know I’m a 57-year old deli worker. I know I last played football in the Pop Warner league 45-years ago. That’s what makes my story so compelling. I can’t wait to prove the doubters wrong.”
One of those doubters is wife Marjorie.
“After Ron’s second heart attack three years ago, he took up fitness and that’s great. But when our two year old grandson asked Grandpa if he played for the Eagles it put this stupid notion into his head that he could actually play in the NFL.”
Santorini said he got additional motivation from Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick.
“I was never so upset in my life,” explained the 5-8, 230-pound Santorini. “I wrote to every head coach in the NFL looking for a tryout. Belichick wrote back saying they didn’t have any equipment room or laundry room jobs available. Can you believe that? He thought I was a locker room attendant and not a player. How insulting is that?”
Many people in Santorini’s Bethlehem, Pennsylvania neighborhood think he’s insane but admire his desire and dedication.
“I see Ron jogging and doing wind sprints all the time,” said Ted Loviglio. “I don’t know what has gotten into him but if he makes the Eagles I hope he gives me free tickets. But I don’t think he’ll make it.”
Santorini, between workouts at the gym, disagrees with his naysayers.
“It’s easy to say I won’t make it. But I’ll tell you this, I know I’ll make it…or I’ll die trying.”
SUPER JOE…HE TALKS…HE SCORES!
Colorado Avalanche Captain Joe Sakic has received many honors throughout his illustrious NHL career. However, the future Hall of Famer’s most recent accolade may be his proudest.
Earlier this week, Sakic was named “Best NHL Interview” by InsideHockey.com.
“I’m happy to win this award,” said the always emotional Sakic. “I try to give lively, enlightening and funny interviews for the fans. I thank Inside Hockey for this prestigious honor.”
 < Joe Sakic .
James Murphy, from Inside Hockey, said, “Sakic won this award easily. Most hockey players give boring interviews, but that Sakic, you never know what he’ll say.”
Here is a list of Sakic’s Top 10 most memorable quotes as voted on by hockey fans across North America.
10) That Edmonton team is really tough.
9) We need to get the power play going.
8) I like scrambled eggs for breakfast.
7) We need to work harder out there.
6) Both teams were really skating out there tonight.
5) I was really lucky to get a hat trick tonight.
4) My teammates deserve all the credit.
3) My teammates get all the credit.
2) I have to give my teammates the credit.
1) That pre-game nap really paid off.
SIMPKINS IN HOT WATER
Blazers forward Grady Simpkins was arrested early this morning in downtown Portland and charged with several offenses.
Police stopped the second year man out of Fresno State, shortly after leaving the Pink Plastic Tiger Gentlemen’s Club at 3 a.m. in his tricked out 2008 Cadillac Escalade.
Simpkins was charged with possession of an unlicensed handgun, possession of illegal firearms, unlawful possession of marijuana, driving with a suspended license, DUI, driving an unregistered vehicle and resisting arrest.
“Man, that marijuana wasn’t mine. Those guns man, those were someone else’s. I’m innocent man,” proclaimed Simpkins.
NBA Commissioner David Stern was shocked by the charges brought against Simpkins.
“I have to believe this is some sort of set-up. This has never happened to an NBA player before. We actually encourage our players to hang out at strip…I mean, gentlemen’s clubs after games into the early morning hours. Who would think in a safe, friendly, family oriented environment like that a player would get into trouble. I’ve never gotten in trouble visiting a strip club at three in the morning. I’m speechless.”
Simpkins will be in the starting lineup tonight when the Blazers host the Pacers.
THE DREAM DIES…LITERALLY
The Bethlehem man who dreamed of catching touchdown passes for the Eagles, died last week at the age of 58 while working out at a local high school.
Ron Santorini, who was employed by Luciano’s Deli for 32-years, suffered a heart attack last Wednesday as he caught passes from Bethlehem High JV quarterback Tommy Rossilino.
“Mr. Santorini always had me throw passes to him each Wednesday at lunchtime,” said Rossilino. “He always wanted to play for the Eagles but when he keeled over I knew it was over. Then I went back to class. I would have called 9-1-1 but I didn’t have my cell phone with me. My bad.”
The Eagles sent an autographed football and a jersey with Santorini’s name on the back to the funeral. Santorini was buried with the ball while wearing his jersey.
“I feel like he finally made it,” said his teary-eyed wife Marjorie. “He lived as a Philadelphia Eagle and he died an Eagle. Well, now I guess I’ll look for a new husband…one who doesn’t want to play professional football and who has a better life insurance policy than what Ronnie had.”
 < Eagles fans at the Sgarlata Funeral Home remember the life of Ron Santorini.
JETER DISAPPOINTS FANS
“I couldn’t believe it,” said Jeremy Bronfield. “There he was, Derek Jeter, walking out of a restaurant with a woman who was substandard for the greatest player who ever has played the game.”
Bronfield, 27, a lifelong Yankees fan added, “I’m so disappointed in my hero. He’s usually going out with really, really gorgeous women. This woman was just gorgeous. He could do better.”
Another Jeter fan, Sebastian Andrews said, “I am in shock too. If this woman went out with a slug like me, I’d be in heaven. But we’re talking Jeter here. He can’t be going out in public with women who are only a 9.5. He should only go out with 10’s. I’m really upset about this.”
 < This woman, an aspiring model, was not up to Derek Jeter’s standards according to fans and newspaper gossip columnists.
The Yankees shortstop agreed with his critics.
“I know I can do better. I’m really sad that I’ve let my fans down. Still, have you seen the dogs Melky Cabrera has gone out with?”
New York Post columnist Richard Johnson said, “Jeter’s image will certainly take a hit from this. Maybe he just needs to get his eyes examined.”
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
Chad McHugh drew comparisons to Willie Mays and Mickey Mantle. Others claimed he looked like Ted Williams or Henry Aaron. While onlookers debated which Hall of Famer McHugh reminded them of, there was no denying his incredible skill.
McHugh, a well chiseled 225-pounds, was a five-tool prospect. He could run like a cheetah, throw like Clemente, field, hit and hit for power. Man, could this kid hit for power. Legendary, tape measure power.
“A physical specimen,” says his former Coach Joe DiNardo. “Chad routinely hit 400-foot plus homers. He was unstoppable. The scouts would drool in amazement at McHugh’s slugging prowess. He could put on a show.”
Veteran scout Whitey Duranty said, “He’s the best prospect I ever saw. Nobody seen nothing like that McHugh kid. He could do it all. Shame what happened to the boy.”
Yes, what did happen to Chad McHugh? Well, the nine-year-old terror of the Sarasota Little League was caught using anabolic steroids and human growth hormone. Now 22-years old, the former little league pheenom turned body-builder is now 125-pounds and awaiting a liver transplant at his mother’s home in Tampa.
 < Former steroid enhanced little league slugger Chad McHugh, circa 1985.
TOUGH TIMES FOR TOMMY
Boston native Tommy Flanagan was elated to snare two precious tickets for Game One of the World Series between his beloved Red Sox and the upstart Colorado Rockies.
Flanagan, who camped out for three days outside of Fenway Park in order to purchase the tickets, planned to take his girlfriend, Anita, to the game.
Unfortunately for Flanagan, he was physically unable to attend Game One. After spending 72 grueling hours on Yawkey Way, in frigid temperatures, Flanagan was too exhausted to make it back to Fenway. He stayed in his apartment and slept soundly through Game One and most of Game Two. He also lost his job as the manager of a Friendly’s restaurant due to his unexcused absenteeism.
There is a bright spot to this story. Anita used the tickets and went to Game One with Tommy’s best friend Mike. The two have been inseparable ever since.
Meanwhile, Flanagan is fighting off pneumonia and wondering w |
