BR's pal Tiffany will write from time to time on sports from her unique perspective as a professional smartass. BR will probably be a target much of the time. Visit Tiffany's website at http://www.tiffanysworldorandom.blogspot.com
In her spare time, Tiff helps run the space program. >
TIFFY CRACKS ON OLD GUY'S BASEBALL...AGAIN! (8-6-10) I should have known there was a problem when the All Star Game that Bill was all hyped up about was taking place at a convalescent center. The bleachers were equipped with handicap rails, and the concession stand had an eclectic assortment of pureed candies and Metamucil laced drinks. I’ve never had sunflower seeds through a straw before, Interesting, yet awkwardly tasty. The spectators consisted of me, a nurse, and Bill’s flavor of the week, Chuck. It was almost as if I were at an Oriole’s game. At approximately 3:50pm, the announcer coughed into the microphone and wheezed something inaudible. The game was sponsored by Tucks Medicated Pads. It was somewhat Ironic that the sitting area was made of concrete, a main culprit of hemorrhoids. At exactly 4:00pm, Bill’s team announced that they were forfeiting the game. The catcher, the entire outfield, and the Coach were dead. So, I wasted my time on that crap. < Tiff had her eyes on this old timer.
DUCKS PREDICTED TO BUST A NUT...1-3-10
What's worse than Chip Kelly's visor post darkness? Jim Tressel's trusty sweater vest. The vest paired with what I guess can be described as "dress pants" and bright white tennis shoes was cool back when the Mormon's were delivering their word door to door, but Jimmy boy and Chip need some lessons in fashion. I'm not clear, is Chip Kelly the Real Slim Shady or is Eminem? First off, anyone dubbed as "Chip" is a real douche bag. Why would anyone name their newborn, Chip? Did he chip a Fallopian tube on the way out? Was Mom craving potato chips during the first trimester? Did Mom chip a nail while tearing into Dad's back during conception? Maybe Mom and Dad were destitute and realized that if they wanted their kid to amount to anything other than a parolee they would have to crown him with a name so profound and one that would scream leadership and determination, so they called the boy, Chip. I'm going to veer a bit off path here. Is there something in a name that makes a great Coach? You never hear of a Coach by the name of Tyler, Ferguson or Chadwick. The real heavy hitters go by Phil, Bill, Mike, something in the one syllable range, but not anything that can be twisted around into a joke. Phil, Bill, and Mike mean business. Houston Nutt means jokes. I could go on and on about how Chip has been placed number Uno in Tiff’s Names of Shame, or about the benefits Jimmy T. could reap if one were to hire a Latin Lover to loosen him up for a night, but that’s just stating the obvious. Opinions and speculations are part of the fun that makes up the crux of sports. Sure, we have statistics, talking heads making predictions, but it’s really the conversations amongst fans and spectators that make up the passion and ambiance of the sport. There’s truly nothing better than sitting in the stands observing the grit, the fervor, and the tenacity when it boils down to who’s who in Collegiate Sports. A true fan takes it personally when the opposing fan steps out of line or disrespects his or her affiliation, and the rage is magnified 100% if the insult is somehow clouded by large amounts of alcohol. I’ve compiled a list of some of the insults, grudges, and drunken nonsense that was overheard by me at the 2010 Rose Bowl. “Terrelle Pryor can’t throw a ball, he can run. We got this one in the bag” – A man wearing a Washington State Cougars Ryan Leaf Jersey “He won’t open up the offense because his vest is too tight” (Referring to Jim Tressels’ slick threads) - Drunk guy pounding water bottles of what resembled urine “Your team Sucks!” Ducks fan yelling at the Ohio State fan sitting next to me. “The score is even, that must mean your team sucks too.” Ohio State fan yelling back at Ducks fan. “We’ll win. Blount will knockout anyone that gets in his way” Someone’s fan wearing a Boise State shirt, also sporting some Irish sunglasses (black eye). “Chip Kelly is a God D$%^ genius”- Chip Kelly’s wife “You guys have a Duck! That’s fierce”- The guy next to me. “You have a nut and we’re going to bust it!”- The man behind me to the man next to me.\ “Why do we have to look at the fat flag girls? I came here for this S$%^?” – Unknown
“I pissed my pants” – Drunk lady with her sweater inside out. Team affiliation unknown. “I’m not going to lie, the band is good, but we have more than a band”- Ducks fan referring to The Best Damn Band in Land. “This O.H.I.O. shtick is lame. You can spell a 4 letter word. I notice they don’t attempt B.U.C.K.E.Y.E– Tiffany Herself speaking to strapping young gent next to her in the dark rimmed glasses. There was one quote that I won’t write verbatim, but I found humor in it. At the press conference after the game, Jim Tressel spoke of the fans traveling such a great distance to see their beloved team prevail. I wanted to interrupt him and remind him that half the fans live in mobile homes and Winnebago’s, so considering they’re migrants, of course they’ll tag along. All in all, I would recommend watching a game at The Rose Bowl. Nice facility with Spectacular views. I’m glad I wore red to the game. I didn’t want to do the walk of shame back to my car afterwards. I look forward to the next College Football Season. It’s just too bad that I won’t be able to pick on Charlie Weis next year but with the consolation checks he’s raking in, it looks as if Costco has some job security.
DIFFERENT STROKES...12-6-09
Tiger Woods may be ditching his squeaky clean "All American" image for porn. Controversial Porn Producer, Rusty Sacks, recently signed Tiger to a multi-trillion deal in which Tiger will be starring in a trilogy of hardcore action. Rusty Sacks says that the move is a win-win for both Rusty Sacks, producing for Ham Wallet Pictures, and for Tiger, who already has the perfect stage name. "I mean, it's like the dude was destined for adult entertainment, " says Sacks.
The three films set to star the golfer will include, "Oh, My! Look at the size of his putter," "18 holes and legal," and "Washin' Dem balls in the back 9 (an urban legend)." Tiger agreed to only shoot the films with "women of non-color." "Tiger likes 'em pale and ready to rail, " laughs off Sacks. "He's a real trooper, but we need to work on his stage presence. We just hope he doesn't shank it, " says Ronald Jeremy, CEO of Ham Wallet, and founder of No Muff is Enuff media.
TIFFY TAKES ON OLD GUYS BASEBALL (AND ITS ABOUT FREAKING TIME SHE WROTE A NEW RIFF) 6-29-09 When Bill first made the announcement that he was playing in a men's 35 and over baseball league, I said "Eh..." and continued taking a crap. Yes, I always talk with Bill when I'm sitting on the toilet. Something about the combination of gravity and hearing the monotonous lingo of crappy Notre Dame tales of yesteryear just really help me with my constipation problem. It took me a couple of days to actually realize that he forgot to mention one specific thing about the team. The number 35 doesn't exist. In fact, I actually watched one of the so-called games. It was like a sequel of the movie "Cocoon." These guys are dyslexic. It's not 35 and over, it's 53 and over. The only person that was remotely around the age of 35 happened to be a paramedic wheeling one of the "players" off on a stretcher. After game one, four teammates were on the injured list. One fractured hip, a cardiac arrest, a knee injury resulting from "walking" after the blind pitcher for the other team pelted oldie in the nads, and one down due to a herniated disc. < Last year's MVP shows off his hardware. I knew the season was a sham when the team rolled up in their garb. Yep, they were all decked out in their Mariners gear. Alzheimer's and Dementia had already set in when the Pitcher was comparing himself to Randy Johnson, and Bill was beginning to bite his nails at the thought that A-Rod may be leaving Seattle. I had to inform the geriatrics that many changes in baseball have taken place since the 1990's, and this whole baseball gig was just a ploy to scam old folks out of their hard earned money. The game I happened to attend lasted 9 hours... and that was just the first inning. If you're looking to witness a bunch of dead people roaming around a field and a cemetery doesn't creep you out, I'd suggest checking out the schedule so that you can attend the next game.
REIGN OF ERROR...(2-22-09) Al Davis can make it rain. He can make it rain paychecks. With money in the millions coming in, Nnamdi Asomugha can take that money and buy himself a real name. Preferably one that doesn't belong on the tail of some Middle-Eastern Airline. Sure, he's a talented cornerback, but I think that team needs more than a cornerback and a punter with a large bankroll. They first need a quality owner (one that leaves the synthetic polyester blend leisure suits back in the time capsule with the "shadow dancing" 8-track), then maybe some decent coaches, and last, but not least, a team. < A challenging name in a spelling bee competition.
"Insanity, stupidity, whatever you want to attach to it. Yeah, the kid is the best cornerback in the league. They paid for quality. I'll give them that. But that deal wrecks the league. Absolutely wrecks it. … I'm sure Al doesn't care, but it's deals like that that change the league for the worse." said one mighty agitated, yet, unnamed executive. < "Shut your face Tiff. I'm in charge."
Stupid is right. The money could have been spent on bail money, more low-income housing, and on dental coverage for the team's fans. I'm sure Nnamdi Asomugha and the $16 million punter, Shane Lechler will pick up the slack for the entire organization. Man, Al is one hell of a businessman.
Now I know why The Denver Broncos can't get Sh@# done this year. Not that I'm a huge fan, but it kind of slows my roll when people ask where I'm from, and I reply with a swift, "Denvah." They always get a look of disgust on their face. Sometimes it offends me. It's not like I'm from Detroit or something. They see the what the f... in my eyes, and then they redeem themselves. "Oh, it's a beautiful place. Love the mountains, but what an awful team."
I end up busting up in laughter, "Yeah, the Rockies suck ass!" The other person looks bewildered almost as if he wants to take a massive dump, but can't find a spot to let loose. "No, The Broncos." I would have to agree. The Broncos could use a remodel.
Last night I went to a tanning salon to get some color on my pasty skin, when I noticed a familiar chipmunk like face working behind the counter. He was a little older than most men that work at the tanning salons, and he was sporting a Rolex. His name badge read: Mike ShanaTAN Coaching Genius That Will Never Get Fired. His skin was leathery yet bronze. His hair had a bleachy glow. His teeth were so white that if I stared directly into them, my retina would be charred and I would be in the same boat as Ray Charles. He was folding towels while jamming out to "China Grove" when I approached him.
"Excuse me," I said. "Can I get some help?" ShanaTAN hustled over to the counter. "Hey, aren't you Mike Shanahan?" I asked. "What's wrong with your team?"
His face went from happy go lucky to psycho A-hole in 2.3 seconds. "Listen B#$%$, off the field I'm ShanaTAN." I was taken back a bit. "Oh," I replied. "Shouldn't you be with your team practicing right now?" I asked. He tilted his head to the side. "We don't practice. Practice is for 4th grade boys taking up the trumpet."
"Why are you working here anyway? Pat Bowlen pays you a good salary." I was growing inquisitive.
"Listen whitey, the recession hit hard. My wife can't spend as much at Neiman's, and my dog has to eat bagged dog food now. Not to mention, I had to pay the deductible on Jay Cutler's arm amputation. If I want to look fine and tan, I can't be splurging. I get free tans if I work here 45 hours a week. I also get a recruitment bonus. Royal, and Prater started here last week. Travis Henry is doing his community service through us too."
Needless to say, I never made it into a tanning bed. They were all occupied by the entire Denver Broncos offense and defense.
DA JUICE AIN’T ON THE LOOSE NO MO…(10-6-08)
Beckett announced that the value of OJ Simpson trading cards has been slashed! While OJ can be acquitted on Murder charges, but found guilty of Armed Robbery and Kidnapping is beyond any rational thought. I guess this only proves that the American Justice System has more issues than Michael, Janet, Tito, and Latoya combined. Good thing OJ is in seclusion. Some burly inmate might mistake him for a juicy delight and accidentally pound the pulp out of him. "Guilty? But I'm da Juice! I can get away with murder but I can't pull a gun on some friends and get my signed footballs back? Damn, I be a dumbass."
BR SAYS, COME ON OVER TRASH TALKER! (9-7-08)
I would love to be in BR's presence watching ND get clobbered by Michigan. He will be a kind host, and fetch me a brew every time Charlie Weis stuffs his face with Pizza Rolls, and other anti-heart-health agents (we all know that I could very well die of alcohol poisoning). When Notre Shame goes down in defeat, BR will be curled up in the fetal position clinching the scriptures angrily chanting, "Why, God, Why?"
Just when he thinks it can't get any worse, I will kindly point out that Charlie is overrated, that I will be collecting my skrilla ( Street Cred for: That wad of cash he banked on The Irish).
Yes, my friends, I do love College Football.
Shutout in the Palouse (9-7-08)
The Washington State Cougars are not a pack of wealthy, middle-aged women looking to have their way with a hot pizza delivery boy, they are supposed to be a PAC-10 Football Team. Wind blown wheat on the hills surrounding the stadium showed far more productivity than this Pullman team. I would have been happy watching them play hacky sack on the sidelines, or text messaging their pals with a "R U watching this Game? WTF?" At least they'd be doing something. Instead they looked like a bunch of Man-Gina's (pronounced like a female region) that had been hit in the groin with a tampon made of Kryptonite. Stunned and torn up from the floor up! I think Dahmer's victims were less mangled than The Cougs.
Even with a kick-ass facility, a new $750,000 statue, and Coach Paul "Overbite" Wulff at the helm, they still didn't stand a chance against Cal. The final score was 66-3. I'm no genius, but I think even a dyslexic mathematician would have better results! It looks like the Coach apparently spent too much time at the county fair showing off his mad corn shucking skills... and that was just with his pearly whites.
If this was a preview to what we can expect for the rest of the season, hand over the plastic sheets! The team will be crapping the bed often, and it won't be pretty. I'd like to donate a book titled: "Football for Dummies." Yes, boys, you have to do more than just show up on game day!
BIGGO CHARLIE...(8-25-08) Because Charlie Weis is such an easy target, I have compiled my top four Charlie Weis is so fat... jokes!
Why four? Because that's about how many games they will win this year...
1. Charlie Weis is so fat... he has his own zip code.
2. Charlie Weis is so fat... he uses a paint roller to put on his chap stick.
3. Charlie Weis is so fat... he had to install shocks on his toilet seat.
4. Charlie Weis is so fat that even his clothes have stretch marks.
< "At least I don't wear a sweatervest!"
Dial 1-900 Cough a lot, and kick them nasty thoughts!!!!!!
When I think illicit phone sex, I think Tom Coughlin! Give me a break! The guy is so old, he doesn't even own a modern day telephone. Naughty Tommy has to talk dirty via pony express, so why on earth would anybody try and extort him out of thousands of dollars for any extramarital conduct that involves electronics produced after 1843?
Herbert Simpson, a resident of Philadelphia thought it would be a good idea to concoct a pair of letters which depicted Coughlin having X-rated convesations with telephone actresses. The letters were written by Simpson posing as two separate women whom were demanding money in exchange for silence. How ironic... Basically, the letters were crap, and had included the initials of Simpson's former co-workers. When the FBI tracked the information down to Simpson's former place of business, it was discovered that stable Herbert had also written threatening letters to the women who supposedly had the affair with Coughlin. When The FBI asked the women about the "affair," both women denied any contact with the feeble crypt keeper.
So, Tom Coughlin and his family can get a good night's rest knowing that Herbert Simpson is now sitting in a jail cell. Good thing Tom didn't have to tap into his SSI funds to pay off that Herbert guy... < "Hey baby, what turns you on more, the 4-3 D or the cover two? Oooooh baby, did you know that I'm personal friends with Plaxico Burress? Oh yeah, mmmmm, oh baby.....I got a Super Bowl Ring....nice......oh, oh, oh......"
Note: BR does NOT approve of Tiff's following Riff.....
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY...(8-10-08)
It is official, for now that is, that Charlie Weis will not be calling Irish plays this season. Perhaps he made that decision after Navy sunk his wanna-be battleship last year. Weis has been noted for his play calling abilities. In fact, there are people who have deemed him as a God when it comes to College Football. One woman actually sold her Pop Tart on E-bay when she saw an image of Charlie Weis' chin engraved on her pastry.
A gifted play caller? I find that to be a stretch. Charlie says he wants to focus on what really matters... like stuffing Hot Pockets, and bagel bites down his throat. Who can call plays when their mouth is constantly full? Instead of looking at play sheets this year, he will pawn that off on Mike Haywood. He will be 100% focused on take out menus, and reading the nutrition facts from the back of his delicious Frosted Fudge Cakes.
I give this team a measly 4 win season. Try saying "Go Irish" with your mouth stuffed full of Tootsie Rolls... Sounds more like "retrovirus." Hey, I've tried it. I know. Don't hate the player, hate the game!
< Charlie is svelte compared to this guy, Mark Mangino of Kansas.
TIFFY CARVES THE FAVRE...(7-27-08) The world of sports consists of a lot of.... well I'll be PG here, but if you own a thesaurus you can look up the real meaning after you're through reading this, donkey vacuity's. One blockhead that comes to mind, and has been more bothersome than a bad case of crabs, is Brett Favre. Next time I go to the store to buy Douche, I'm sure I can count on seeing his face gleaming brightly on the front of the packaging. I wouldn't put it past him to endorse such a product. When I think douche, I think Favre. You may be asking yourself, why is she so bitter about Brett Favre? The answer is simple. I have been trying to watch SportsCenter all week. After a long day, I enjoy some sports highlights, and some commentary here and there, not a constant update on Brett Favre. I want to tell him to hang it up already. When he announced his retirement, I didn't see any flags at half mast, I didn't see people getting teary-eyed. I saw life go on. While life moved forward for us normal folks, Favre was busy making his comeback. It started as a simple text message to Coach McCarthy that read:
Favre: I want 2 come back
McCarthy: IDK, Brett...
Favre: LOL OMG I want 2 come back ADN
McCarthy: My phone is cutting out, Brett, G2G TTYL
Favre couldn't take a simple, we're not interested, so he pushed the issue further. He announced that he'd be at Training Camp. McCarthy decided to be a little more blunt this time, and informed Brett that if he did come back, there would be some paperwork involved, as well as a demotion. Brett wouldn't be the starting quarterback, he'd be second string. An irate Favre then sent out another text to McCarthy...
Favre: OMFG! I am a *tr
McCarthy: I'm sorry this phone has been disconnected. Please hang up,and try retirement again....
In case you've missed the numerous loops of Brett Favre updates, Favre didn't submit the paperwork, and he didn't show up to camp. Can we get some real sports updates now?
Too bad Brett is no longer a Packer. The Gay Football League, The Fudge Packers have expressed an interest in picking up Favre, but there has been no word on that just yet.
TEXT GLOSSARY
ADN- ANY DAY NOW
*TR- STARTER
G2G- GOT TO GO
IDK-- I DON'T KNOW
LOL- LAUGH OUT LOUD
OMG- OH MY GOD
OMFG- OH MY GOD WITH A BAD, BAD, BAD WORD BEFORE GOD
TTYL- TALK TO YOU LATER
teamwork…(6-13-08) Bengals fans can let out a sigh of relief. Chad Johnson showed up to minicamp. Johnson benched himself after a few passes. He complained of physical ailments, so basically he relived most of the team's history in a few hours. Minicamp isn't the parole program where the team gives back to the community by picking up trash on the highway. It's drills, physical exertion, and practice. Hell, the team didn't just cruise on by last season to get that 7-9 record! They say you learn something new everyday. I learned that The Bengals actually practice.
Nick Nolte May be Bill Rogan's Athlete of the Year! (5-12-08)
I'll admit it, I am bored. It seems that many of us ponder who or what is an athlete, what is or isn't a sport, and is he or she a him or her? Recently, Bill Rogan, a self-proclaimed athlete connoisseur posed a profound question. Is a horse an athlete? His answer? Yes. I decided to do a little research. What exactly is an athlete? According to the dictionary, an athlete is defined as a person trained or gifted in exercises or contests involving physical agility, stamina, or strength; a participant in a sport, exercise, or game requiring physical skill. < Mr. Ed playing chess with Wilbur.
I know that some of my neighbors in Boulder perceive their animals as their children, but call me up at midnight and talk dirty to me if you think a horse is indeed a person. There are some rather large women that I have the pleasure of working with that could be mistaken for a horse, but in actuality, despite their animal like features, they are 100% obese estrogen machines. Are they athletes? Some of these women are gifted at eating, and running their mouths incessantly about crap that nobody gives a damn about. Are men in general athletes? Remember, the definition states that the person must be gifted in "exercises involving stamina, and physical skill." If most men possessed this quality, us women wouldn't have to have stock piles of batteries around the house.
I have added to the list of athletes. Alcoholics, I.V. drug users, carjackers, prostitutes, and maybe the entire lineup of The Denver' Coaching Staff. The alcoholic probably has a strong forearm from lifting the vodka bottle, and special skill by somehow making it home after a blackout. The I.V. drug user can get the needle into a vein with ease while a med student once took several jabs at my urethra trying to hook up a catheter. The prostitute, well, we don't need to get into that, and coach Shanahan, while he may not be good at his craft, could indeed be dreadfully stamped as an athlete.
So, what did we accomplish here today? The above question can only be answered by mere opinion. There really isn't a right or wrong answer, and I can't believe that I took time away from solving the hunger problems in Ethiopia to try to resolve this issue. The world may never know. Just like we will never know how many licks it takes to get to the bottom of a tootsie roll pop. Who gives a crap anyway? Broncos
THE GUNNER...(3-30-08)
You may not even know who Al-Farouq Aminu is, or how to pronounce his name, but he is Mr. Basketball in the great state of Georgia... for now. Aminu is believed to be one of the best high school basketball players in the country, and most recently, Wake Forest recruited him, but all this success apparently wasn't enough for young Al-Farouq. Al-Farouq sounds like a really bad VD, and frankly, it makes me itch.
Lets face it, with a name like that, he was destined to be a taxi driver, or one of the key people on our terrorist watch list. Instead of Rocks, and weapons of mass destruction, Al-Farouq packs light. Cracker please! He's a straight up G packin' a BB gun. Just hours after crowning Al-Farouq Mr. Basketball, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution was forced to rethink their decision when they learned that the boy had turned himself in to police for a drive-by BB gun shooting. That's hardcore! The Gwinnett County Sheriff's Department claims that Mr. Basketball shot a woman from a vehicle with a BB gun on March 14th, and then turned himself in this past Friday.
As of right now, the boy still holds the honor of being Mr. Basketball. The Atlanta Journal hasn't made any changes as of yet. I hear The Trailblazers are looking to sign him. He'd fit right in.
CANCEL THE FOOD STAMPS...(1-27-08)
It looks like Bill Callasham has landed himself a job. The New York Jets announced Bill Callahan as their new Assistant Head Coach (focusing on offense). Good luck to The Jets. Perhaps if things go Callahan style, they can change their name to The Valu-Jets. I have a premonition that the team may have the same fate as those poor souls that stepped foot upon the infamous flight that crashed down in the glades. The only difference is that it will be a weekly trauma rather than a one time ordeal. < "Hey Tiff, I'm getting tired of your constant digs at me. What gives?"
MY FANTASY LEAGUE...(11-27-07)
I have a team in the Fantasy Felon Football Football League called the Cincinnati Bengals. I'm in first place!
Maybe I'll join a Fantasy Basketball Felon NBA League. I wonder if the Trailblazers are taken.
CALLASHAM...(11-25-07) Bill Callahan may be standing outside a Labor Ready near you. That's right, The Nebraska Cornhuskers are looking for it's next Football Coach. Interim Athletic Director, and former Coach, Tom Osborne gave Callahan the boot during a five minute meeting on Saturday. When Callahan left the complex, he had absolutely nothing to say to reporters. < "I need a job."
"I have done an excellent job in every area," Callahan told ESPN about a month ago. I guess he didn't happen to see his 5-7 record. Osborne told Callahan that he would be losing his job if he didn't produce a winning season. I'm not sure what Nebraska expected out of Callahan considering his gig before hopping on the Cornhusker train was coaching the mighty Oakland Raiders. We all know he wasn't the king of motivation. Remember, he did call his "team" the "dumbest team in America." If that's not motivation, I don't know what is. Wouldn't you be pumped to get out on the field after being verbally raped by some lunkhead?
Statistically, Callahan's defense was ranked one of the nation's worst. Rumors were surfacing that Nebraska had become like Regis, no football team.
Osborne's words…“If you lose a fairly large number of games by a significant margin and you have reasonably good players, which I think we have, then that means there may be some systematic issues, some underlying issues...I don't think the coaches were incompetent. I think they know what they're doing. But there was something missing, as far as I was concerned." They were missing a COACH!
Thanks to Bill Callahan, Nebraska will no longer be in the same division of some their rivals, in fact, their next schedule includes teams like ITT Tech, and Front Range Community College. Good luck, Corn Holes.
TIMMY COUCH IS NOW OFFICIALLY A COUCH POTATO!...(10-4-07)
The NFL has suspended Tim Couch for six games in efforts to back the league's zero tolerance drug use policy. He was getting some steroid action from an online pharmacy. Let me back up here. Tim who? Yes, you may be scratching the contents of your jock strap trying to think about this one. Is it me, or is suspending a guy that's not even on a roster a complete waste of time? Think that's a load of crap? They suspended Kenard Lang too. Figure that one out. Meanwhile, Pacman Jones, no stranger to NFL suspensions, has signed up to teach the boys about the ropes of NFL shunning. Jones was overheard sayin' "Yo, don't hate the playa, hate da game."
THE JUICE NO LONGER ON THE LOOSE1 (9-18-07)
Want your fill of fresh squeezed OJ? Step in line behind Bubba at The Clark County Correctional Facility...
Inmate number 2648927. That's OJ's digits.
J.O.-Jerk Off. That's his prison name.
Well, it seems that OJ's quest for "The real killer" has been put on the back burner. He has better things to think about. Like keeping tabs on his sports memorabilia, and writing his mini-memoir, and becoming a ringleader of organized crime. He would've gotten away with it all if it wasn't for those pesky police officers. OJ was arrested in Las Vegas yesterday for several felony charges including two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon. He is accused of leading an armed heist of sports memorabilia, some of which he claims was actually stolen from him! When reporters asked Simpson about the alleged gun used in the robbery, he said he didn't have any knowledge of a firearm being present during the heist, and that he usually prefers knives.
“Hey man, easy with the cuffs…I’m The Juice.”
“Shut up OJ…you’re going to jail. Johnny C can’t
get you off this time.”
“If I didn’t have these cuffs on I’d f*** you up man.”
“Ah yes…but you do have cuffs on. Now shut up
you piece of crap. Oh by the way Juice, how about
an autograph?”
This take down was less sensational than the infamous slow paced white Bronco police chase. Instead, OJ, 60, buzzed off in his brand new Rascal.
Booked without bail is OJ's current status. A Clark County Judge deemed him as a flight risk since he has no ties, other than a couple hookers, some shady thieves, and a liquor store attendant, in the Las Vegas area. If convicted on these charges, Simpson could face up to 30 years in prison for each count.
Johnnie Cochran, OJ's former attorney for the highly publicized-double murder case could not be reached for comment. In fact, he's dead. And no, OJ didn’t kill him.
CAN THE WIZARDS MAKE THIS DISAPPEAR? (8-3-07)
Step right up, folks, we have another sex crazed athlete on our hands. It looks like Andray Blatche wants to skip the dinner, and schmoozing that goes hand in hand with bagging some tail, he likes to take the easy way. The Colfax way. Well, buddy, it looks like you should have found a groupie for the night and treated her to some chipotle. The easy way turned out to be the jail way.
According to D.C. Police, Blatche and a pal were arrested yesterday morning in North West Washington after looking for love in all the wrong places. The testosterone duo hit the pavement in the early hours, and attempted to purchase sex from an undercover officer. They thought the word "slammer" was some sort of frisky talk, but soon realized they were sitting in the back of a squad car.
Blatche appeared before a judge yesterday evening and was released. Get your mind out of the gutter! Andray may have to take up some street ball, as his future with the wizards may be in jeopardy.
stick it to the hall barry (6-28-07)
Barry Bonds needs help deciding what to donate to the Hall of Fame when he breaks Hank Aaron's record with his 756th home run.
Representatives from the Hall of Fame met with Bonds on Tuesday, and was positive about the meeting. They said that they talked about the possibility of Bonds donating a batting helmet if and when he hits number 756. They also confirmed that Bonds has been very generous in the past about donating personal items. They currently display over a dozen items that are connected to Bonds, including a bat dating back to his rookie year. Barry, if you need some advice, I think you should donate some of your broken steroid needles. I think it's a sham that one could even compare Barry Bonds to Hank Aaron. Something tells me that Hank didn't need performance enhancing drugs to be one of baseball's greatest.
BIG SKY, BIG FELON COUNTRY (6-18-07) Montana is felon friendly. In fact, if you have a rap sheet that Mike Tyson would envy, you could be eligible for an all expense paid grant to one of Montana's fine educational institutions. Let's start with University of Montana's corner back, Jimmy Wilson. He was recently arrested on murder charges. Not too shabby, eh, but he aint got nothin' on the six former Montana State athletes. The pack of no good doin', gun waving, drug trafficking, financial aid squandering fools caused such a riot that their coach, Mike Kramer was given the boot! < Tiff wasn't talking about this Montana!
You need to give these world class athlete's a hand though. It seems to me that they are trying to keep up on current events by looking up to their NFL idols, John Robert "Buck" Buczkowski, to be exact. Think about it, these guys are just getting primed to get drafted by The Raiders. Al Davis may be looking for a few rugged men to join the ol' Silver and Black. It's time to turn on the intimidation meters full blast, Al, The Raiders could use guys like Jimmy Wilson!
Was Tank Secretly Harboring the Weapons of Mass Destruction? (5-13-07)
Good ol' Tank Johnson (not to be confused with "Think" Tank) was released from jail today. Sources say Tank served about half of his 4 month sentence, and after receiving his gold star for good behavior, he walked out of the slammer! Tank didn't do much wrong. He only had about six unregistered firearms in his home, and was spotted by some nark at a Chicago Night Club carrying a musket around in his SUV. I exaggerated. Musket, it was not. Hand gun, indeed. For those of you reppin' the streets, a piece. Maybe it was the giant NRA bumper sticker that foiled his plot to forever monopolize the storage of illegal firearms. Did I mention he was already on probation? < Tank Johnson...an Army of One!
To make a long story short, the lad may be suspended for a few games. Big Deal.
TIFF CARVES UP THE ROCKIES (4-25-07) I spent some time on a Rockies Website today, not because I'm a fan,but because I felt sorry for them, and decided to give a little traffic their way. It's bad enough that the team does nothing when they shuffle on to the field, but to know that your fan base consists of a few handicapped children who probably don't know any better, and maybe a handful of women who just like the color purple, has got to be a major downer.
On the site, they have a "Fan Forum." Trust me when I say, it isn't too impressive. I think Clint Hurdle is the only one who posts in there. Perhaps if he spent less time in the forum, he could get the job done with his team. Equally amusing is the link for The Rockies Fantasy Forum. Oddly enough, the entire team can be seen there.
Coors Field is a really nice ball park, but it's like they took The Spokane Indians and rolled them into town. Wait, The Indians are a minor league team, yet they know the basic fundamentals of baseball. Maybe The Indians could hold a clinic for the Rockies.
Anyway, back to Coors Field. It really is a beautiful park. The food is OK, the scenery is spectacular, but the vibe really sucks. When the Rockies come out on the field, there's a bitter silence amongst the stray spectators that fill maybe four or five seats. Once in a while you can catch the echo of a distant clap from the dugout. Truly Sad. < Future homeless shelter? Parking garage? Cemetary?
So, why do we waste the precious land in which Coors Field was built? Why not turn it into something more useful? Maybe it's time the team serves up the concessions. It would be more fun to watch the armatures that dish up our food play baseball, even better is if the kitchen help gets ultra aggressive and starts beating each other with baseball bats. Now that's something I would stick around for. How about providing a safe haven for our homeless? There are plush suites for the home-challenged on the upper deck. They could use the locker room for showers, and there are plenty of phone lines around so that they don't have to use Hickenlooper's crappy Voicemail system to get a job. The voicemail system won't get them a job, Looper, they have to shower first!
I say we turn Coors Field into a cemetery! I've seen dead people get more done than The Rockies. The possibilities are endless, but I say enough is enough. If I have to pay to get into Coors Field, it better be to park my car, or pick my plot!
SNOOZE SCOTT TAKES THE REIGNS AND DU FALLS ASLEEP! (3-23-07)
Did you watch the press conference? You know, the one with Joe Scott? Wow, talk about a snooze fest! When reporters asked Joe if this would be considered his "Dream Job," Joe Responded with a half-asleep, I just hit snooze fifteen times, and oh yeah, I have Ambien in my system, "Every job is my dream job." Wow, I certainly hope as a coach, he is more alert and more enthusiastic with his team. Good luck DU! Move over Pioneers, you are getting a new name. Denver Lackadaisical! < She witnessed Joe Scott's press conference.
MOVE OVER BRETT MYERS, THERE'S A NEW WIFE BEATER IN TOWN...(3-23-07)
Ron Artest pleaded not guilty today on several charges stemming from a domestic dispute earlier this month.
For now, the judge handed down a restraining order which prevents him from being within 100 yards of his family. Artest is allowed to communicate with his family via telephone and email, so apparently Artest and his wife will have to have cyber make up sex.
Artest will be back in court on April 5th, where it is suspected a verdict and a possible sentence will be handed down if he is found guilty of matrimonial mayhem. Artest has already apologized to his wife and children, and has sat out two games. Considering he's an athlete, that's pretty stiff these days. < Rap Artest. Literally.
Outside the courtroom, protesters chanted and waved signs accusing Artest of Animal Cruelty. They claim he underfed his dog, and one protester told reporters, "He really shouldn't have animals." Kudos for that brilliant deduction. Never mind the fact that his wife got beat and battered more than a Duncan Hines cake, but she's just a human being. I would suspect that the picket line walked over to a Chinese restaurant after their little sit in, and perhaps ate some fine Artest Dog.
ARIZONA WIDE RECEIVERS COACH IS LITERALLY A WIDE RECEIVER...AND MRS. ANDERSON AIN'T TOO HAPPY! (3-14-07)
Richie Anderson switched positions when the Cardinals fired him from their coaching staff on Monday. Richie probably thought he was being toyed with, and that his dismissal was really some sort of role play session, but the organization actually sent him out with a swift, "Buh Bye" Richie was forced to hit the pavement, and in a weird sense of irony, that's exactly what landed him in this predicament!
Anderson was arrested last Thursday for soliciting an undercover police officer for sex, undercover, ooh yeah, or on top of the covers, but that would cost him extra. < Stay away from these girls. It could be a cop or a disease riddled skank. Either way...you lose!
Coach Ken Whisenhunt issued the following statement:
"I wanted a chance to review the details of the situation before making any decision. While it's disappointing, I've decided that this is clearly in the best interests of our team in this particular instance. Our focus is now on finding a replacement and I am confident we will be able to do that relatively soon."
Off the record, Whisenhunt announced that Mike Tyson, and Ike Turner are the two top contenders for the position.
TALK ABOUT A SLAP IN THE HEIMER! (2-20-07)
Well, Marty, you better start doing some heavy drinking! You've just been thrown under the bus, and the mighty Norv Turner just hopped aboard the Charger Mobile!
Wow. I did predict that Marty Shottenheimer would get fired, but what I failed to predict was that The Chargers would be replacing him with Norv Turner. Are you kidding me? Is it me, or are they reaching here? Norv? Redskins, Norv? Raiders, Norv? < My name is Norv.
I think it would be more suitable for Norv to be somewhere like Detroit. He can't possibly make the team any worse! Better yet, instead of uprooting him and moving him clear across the United States, stick him in Arizona. That would be a fitting place for Norv. It would be safe to assume that the fierce Norv Turner will transforming an A-Team to a Remedial team. The Chargers will be in need of some re-charging! If Norv can succeed it is because he already has the team built for him. Best of Luck, Norv!
GONZAGA PLAYERS HALLUCINATING A WIN? (2-11-07) Gonzaga University is most famous for people pronouncing it's name wrong, but aside from that, it is also famous for a town so damned boring, there is nothing to do, but reek havoc. With that said, maybe you'll have a better understanding of what I'm about to tell you.
Two lads, Josh Heytvelt and Theo Davis, two of Gonzaga's finest Basketball players, are now in jail because they got pulled over by Cheney, Washington Police, and the police found a substantial amount of drugs in their vehicle. Aside from Marijuana, the police confiscated some "shrooms, " which is considered a felony Washington State. The police said the mushrooms were "hallucinogenic."
Hmmm.. maybe the boys figured that with the good season they've been having, the drugs were doing them some good. Think about it. It is always drilled in our heads that the art of positive thinking produces positive results. They were using the drugs for team motivation!
I think they should really look at the Coach for the answer to this one. I mean, who does "Shrooms" any more? Isn't that a big 1960's drug? Were they blasting The Grateful Dead 8-track too? It really doesn't surprise me much. Turn back the clock about thirty years, and you're at Gonzaga University!
SUPER BOWL RIFF (2-5-07) Is it me or is the focus on this Super Bowl more on race than sportsmanship? It has been drilled in my head all week that these coaches that lead their teams to the "Big Game" are both African American. Great. I personally feel that both coaches are extremely talented, but I don't feel that way because of their ethnicity. They have a real talent. When was the last time you heard a sports commentator talk about the two Caucasian coaches that busted their balls to get to the Super Bowl.? Right. It hasn't happened.
It seems that the minorities are looking for equality, which they rightfully deserve. Most want to look beyond color lines, but when it comes to the coverage plastered all over the television, it is a full on, in your face, culture-centered extravaganza. Yes, some of this stems from Black History Month, but because of the media coverage making a huge issue about the African American leadership, it is a makeshift tent revival for the Black movement. In the struggle to provide equal rights, it seems that the shift has been from equal rights to special rights. I am going to pose a question, and then get to the serious beefs about the Super Bowl. What about the white players? What about the gay players (oh yeah, they play for the Raiders)? What about the Asian players? No coverage. Zip. Nadda. The bottom line is that every athlete on both of these teams deserves the same coverage. Stop making nationality the prime issue, and get to the sporting event already! If only I controlled the universe.
Another beef on my mind. Phil Simms never ages. I want to know what kind of night cream he uses. Boomer is looking youthful as well. I better call up his Mary Kay rep.
While I'm on the bitch session... Women who think they can work the sidelines. Yeah, I'm going to take you seriously, whatever your name is girl! Is she giving me a meteorology report, or is she going to get to the game? Oh yeah, her name is, Sam. Make up your mind. Are you a guy or a girl?
Did you hear about the security at the game? No tailgating. Isn't that what football is all about? The food? Is Muhammed Babba-Duli-Yabba-Dabba-Do going to sneak Anthrax into all the brats? Give me a break. This year, I'm only watching for the sake of tradition, and because the artist formerly known as Prince, turned a symbol, and back to Prince is going to shake his tail feather at halftime. What nationality is he again? Maybe he's the first black person to change his name to an emblem!
I don't really care who wins as long as the coach is African American. It is also a good excuse to really unhealthy foods. My favorite? Super hot wings accompanied by a Guinness and a economy pack of Tums. Good luck to you and your wallet, Mr. or Mrs. Gambler!
THE SHELL GAME (1-5-07)
Al Davis pulls a Donald Trump on Art Shell- "You're fired!" < "Hey Shell, take a hike."
Is it me, or does Al Davis have a revolving door going on with his coaching staff? He changes coaches more than Paris Hilton switches sexual partners! I think Chuckie was the only thing that team had going for them in the past decade. After Chuckie came good ol' Bill Callahan. Remember his comment about the Raiders being the dumbest team in America? That landed him a job with the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Later on came Norv. What kind of name is Norv? I must admit, I thought Art Shell could turn this team around, but he lead them to one of the worst seasons in Raider history. Al Davis responded with a "Don't let the door hit you on the rump on your way out!"
< "Yes sir Mr. Davis."
The team released the following statement: "While Art will no longer serve as head coach, he and Mr. Davis have discussed and will continue to discuss opportunities for Art to remain a valued member of the Raider organization." I think that means he'll be Mr. Davis' bitch. He can shine his shoes, drive him places, go on coffee runs, rent him movies at McDonald's... the possibilities are endless.
The question now is, who the hell will be Shell's replacement? And how long will they last? As long as Al Davis is the owner of this so-called organization, future success is bleak!
PRINCE OUT OF RETIREMENT? (12-12-06)
Raise your hand if you're a football fanatic? Raise your hand if you will be watching The Super Bowl! The Super Bowl is a registered trademark of the NFL... thought I'd throw that in to protect my hiney. Raise your hand if you're pumped that Prince is performing at the Halftime show! Yeah, my exact thought. The so-called masterminds of Halftime entertainment have outdone themselves again. Did they go through the ol' Rolodex and after several rejections stumble upon the "P" section, and think, "AH-HA Prince!" Since when was he Prince again anyway? I thought he was an ampersand or something. < "Hi, I'll be playing at the Super Bowl."
Football is so commercialized. I know what you're thinking, "where have you been, Tiff? It's always been commercialized." Yes, and no. I miss the hype of the big game. The events leading up to it. The fans going nuts. The Super Bowl parodies on the radio. The vendors on the street corners selling memorabilia. It used to be a big ordeal. Not anymore. Now it's all about the venue, the fireworks, the commercials, and the talent from yesterday performing their big comeback during Halftime, and oh yeah, the revenue. Don't forget that!
The last few years have been an utter disappointment. Last year's game not so fun to watch. Pretty boring actually. Sort of reminded me of some old Denver/49ers games. Boring commercials, bad food at the Super Bowl party,Mick Jagger and Keith Richards singing an off key "Brown Sugar." That was the scariest Halftime ever. I thought it was a bad Viagra endorsement.
Football is supposed to be a sport for the men, yet when you throw people like "Prince" into the mix, it kind of ruins that testosterone level in a room full of football patrons. In fact, the only thing The Halftime Show is good for these days is a nice long bathroom break!
Are you ready for some Foosball? <---- Detroit Lions Fight song! (11-22-06)
I was glancing at the Power Rankings for week 12, and I couldn't help but notice the poor teams who seem to never climb their way to the top of the barrel. The Lions, The Raiders, and The Cardinals better start winning games or else their owners will have to start paying their players in Food Stamps!
How disappointed would you be if you were drafted by one of these teams? Your dreams of winning a Super Bowl would pretty much diminish. The NFL should really have a "bowl" for the losers. We all know that the Super Bowl is a showdown between the two best teams in the NFL, but why not have a showdown between the top two pathetic teams? Scratch the AFC/NFC deal, you won't need it. Just put the two teams that didn't quite do anything at a football game aside from wearing the uniform. They could call it the Bummer Bowl. I can see it now! The sign at a rundown YMCA reading "Bummer Bowel" (Some kid that flunked first grade spelling a dozen times would be in charge of the little black letters on the marquee). A few spectators could show up with can food contributions. The Half Time Entertainment segment could be sponsored by Pabst Blue Ribbon, and K-Fed would be the so-called Talent... The possibilities are endless.
I always have a special place in my heart for the losers of the world. I'm sensitive, really!
SAY IT AIN'T SO #22 (11-15-06) You don't get into a competition unless you think you can win! That's what Emmitt told AP Radio. Funny, that's why I always enter the Special Olympics.
The good news? "Dancing with the Stars" is officially over, now I will have to find something else to complain about. The bad news? A football player that I used to respect has been crowned the winner. That's right, Emmitt Smith, former man, danced his way into America's homes this year, and danced off with some bling tonight after being deemed the winner of this season's show. Then again, it isn't a huge victory. Look at his competition. Jerry Springer? That country singer who was in the midst of a nasty divorce? She quit, of course he was going to beat her! Oh yeah, but the major force in the way was Mario Lopez, that chump from "Saved by the Bell." < From this...to this >
I tried to watch the show once this season just to have something to make fun of. My attention span lasted about two minutes. The show turned every manly man into a flamboyant Michael Flatley replica. It's just something I couldn't stomach.
So today, I sulute you, Mr. Ballroom Dancer guy!
DUNE JUMPING IN GOLF CARTS, EH? ... (11-5-06) Tiff's pick for dumbass of the week.... (Insert Drum Roll here) Paul Tracy! Damn Canadians! The Toronto Star reports that Tracy may miss the Final Champ Car Racedue to a drunken stupor that left the race king with a broken shoulder blade. Reports quote Tracy as saying he had been at a party in Las Vegas, drank a little too much, and decided to get behind the wheel of an EZ-Go Golf cart!
Paul slurred these words to the newspaper, ''Sorry to say it was self-inflicted,'' Tracy told the Toronto Star. ''I was at a party and had a little too much to drink, and we thought it was a good idea to go out on a golf cart and try and jump some sand dunes with it.'' < "Tiff made me dumbass of the week? Sweet!"
Good idea, indeed. The Cart reportedly landed on Paul causing his injuries. Two lessons here: Never trust a drunk athlete when he says he has a good idea, and don't drive ANYTHING while impaired. ....(10-30-06) Tiffany's Log.... Saturday. Great. Cougs won (Wash State). I'm feeling good.
Sunday. Not so hot. Raiders won. What the hell?
The Raider's victory over the Steelers today had to be my biggest disappointment since finding out that I wasn't on George Clooney's "To Do" list. < "Tiff who?"
How they pulled it off, I'm not sure, but I'm positive that Coach Shell will get a nod of approval from Grim Reaper stunt double, Al Davis.
The Seahawks lost, and Denver lost. Why am I stating the obvious? Because I made a steep wager on both games! As you can see, my sixth sense skills are as solid as Michael Jackson's manhood.
Sunday night. Indifferent. No more Nordstrom. Hello Big Lots. I want to give a shout out to my bookie! < "Welcome Tiffany!"
OH NO, T-O TEACHES KIDS!.....(10-9-06)
Brace yourself! T.O. A.K.A, Terrell Owens is writing a series of children's books! The first book should be released in mid November, and is inappropriately titled, "Little T learns to share." The other books include "Little T learns what not to say, " and "Little T learns to say I'm sorry."
T.O. has contacted me to edit his books, and I have made just a few changes... "Little T learns to shut the $%#! up," and "Little T teaches boys and girls how to unsuccessfully exit life." Both books will be a pop up version!
Terrell Owens as a Mentor for little kids is like having Rosie O'Donnell giving weight loss advice! Hang it up, Terrell! < Author T. Owens.
THEY'LL MAKE ANYTHING A SPORT....(9-12-06)
Who would've thought that bagging groceries would be considered a sport? If you happen to be in Vegas, and you don't feel like hitting the strip clubs,and/or swingers clubs, and you're tapped out on gambling funds, there's no better way to wrap up your much needed vacay, than participating in the spectator arts at the National Grocers Association's Best Bagger Contest!
There are two divisions, Paper, and Plastic. Lori Engle is an Assistant Manager at a Wisconsin "Pick n' Save, " she is one of the contenders in the Vegas competition, and she says, "I prefer plastic." Engle recently won first place at a state competition where she racked up $500, and a trip to Vegas to compete for the National Title.
The competition includes the following:
·Filling two bags with Groceries
·Fastest Time
·Best overall appearance
·Best Attitude Technique
·Weight Distribution
I never knew that the simple act of bagging groceries could be so lucrative. My opinion. Based on the competition bullet points, if bagging groceries is a sport, why is prostitution illegal? < "Yeah, why isn't it legal?"
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HOLY SHOT IN THE HEIMER BATMAN! (9-4-06)
San Diego Chargers linebacker, Steve Foley landed himself in trouble... AGAIN!!!!
Foley was shot after an off-duty police officer stopped him for driving like a drunk!
The officer said Foley's car was weaving in and out of traffic at speeds ranging from 30-90 Miles per hour. The officer finally reached Foley at a red light, where he told the linebacker to pull over, but Foley just drove away.
Later, the officer stopped him again, this time Foley got out of his car and began to approach the cop. The police officer then identified himself again, and took out his gun. Foley said, "That's a BB gun." < "That gun can't hurt me. That be a toy."
The officer ordered Foley to back up, and Foley did just that. He backed all the way up to his car where he drove off again. Little did the cop know that he would be living out a scene from "Real Stories of the Highway Patrol." Foley wasn't alone, he had an accomplice! Foley got out of the vehicle and approached the off-duty cop again. This time, a female passenger drove alongside Steve as he was in a heated discussion with the officer. The officer fired a couple "warning" shots, but that didn't keep Steve Foley, nor his female friend back. In fact, the woman drove towards the officer after revving the engine. I guess that was her equivelent to a "warning" shot. The cop must have realized he was acting like Barney Fife, and decided to be a real cop! Yep, he capped Steve! In case you were wondering, Barney wasn't hit by the car. The Girl was probably just as wasted as Steve! < "I'd have capped his NFL elitist butt too."
Foley was shot twice, the not so bright female was taken into custody. So far, no charges have been filed on the good role model of the year recipient.
As a side note, Steve Foley had a previous run ins with the law. Charges for resisting arrest, battery on a police officer, and public intoxication were recently dropped. Perhaps that's what he was celebrating!
I WANT SOME ANSWERS! (9-7-06)
John Welbourn, Kansas City Chiefs Tackle, was suspended today for six weeks for "violating the NFL's drug policy." (Sports Illustrated). I know you're saying, "Pro Athletes and Roids are like Old men and Roids..." the two kind of go hand in hand if you know what I mean. Here's where it gets weird. John Welbourn retired from the league in June!
Isn't that like quitting your job, but three months later you receive a write up for attendance?
In case you're wondering what John Boy is doing now, according to a reliable source, he said he planned on attending Law School. Maybe he can get into some sort of partnership with Lawyers for Pro Athletes! < "Now I'll have to find some brain 'roids for law school!"
STEELING IDENTITIES...(8-27-06)
I don't know who has less brain cells, the identity thief, or the stupid woman who gave him money! Read on! A Pittsburgh man is back behind bars today for impersonating an NFL player. Brian Jackson seems to have a knack for being a "Steeler!'
Brian met up with a woman, or shall I say, fool, and told her that he was Steelers tight end, Jerame Tuman. He told her that he was having marital problems, and that his ex wife had put a freeze on the checking account. He said he needed money real bad as he was supposed to meet up with some teammates at a casino. The lady, who apparently suffered a lot of head trauma as a kid, decided to be a good Samaritan, and handed $3200 to Jackson.
Given Jackson was charged last year for impersonating Steelers Quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, you would think that he'd change his M.O. This is not something I'd expect to see from a Steeler Fan. Now if he was a Raiders fan, I could understand. He would have major issues to deal with, and perhaps an excuse of temporary insanity to get the charges dropped!
< "Hey baby, nice to meet you. I'm Ben Roethlisberger. So, you got 3-thousand bucks I can borrow?"
The dumb woman was not issued a citation since there are no "Idiot" fines, but Jackson has been charged with impersonating a football player. So, all you kids who want to dress up as a football player for Halloween this year, think twice, you could be arrested.
WHY YOU HATIN' ON NOLAN? (8-25-06)
Being Compared to Adolf Hitler isn't exactly a compliment, but Kevan Barlow was just "emotional" when he compared his former coach, Mike Nolan to the the most notorious dictator to ever walk this planet. < "How dare Barlow compare me to Mike Nolan. I'm outraged!"
Barlow was traded to the New York Jets this week, but says he was blindsided by the deal. He claims he had a conversation with Nolan, and was assured that he wouldn't be "dealt."
"He walks around with a chip on his shoulder, like a dictator, like Hitler," Barlow told the Contra Costa Times. He later reflected on those comments and said that he let the situation get the best of him. He was just "acting out from emotions."
It turns out that Aunt Flo was in town, and after watching a bunch of Meredith Baxter Berney Lifetime Movies, he was just overdosing on estrogen. < Kevan Barlow may have flunked a history class or two.
NOTHING SPELLS TOUGH LIKE GIVING YOUR PA AN A$$ KICKIN' (8-22-06)
I gotta hand it to Jeremy Barfield! He gets my nod of approval for putting the fun back in dysfunctional! Jesse Barfield, former All Star Outfielder, was in an arguement with his 18 year old son, recent Mets draft pick, Jeremy Barfield.
The arguement ended with Jesse Barfield taking a spill down the stairs. They must have been arguing about Jeremy sleeping in too late. That's what always sent me over the edge in my teenage years. I used to toss my mom down ten flights of stairs like a rag doll when she would limit my sleep in time.
Teen Barfield has not yet signed with the Mets, and as of today, the Mets GM told the AP that he was "weighing the decision" (whether or not to give Jeremy a contract).
I had the exclusive jailhouse interview with Jeremy, he responded to my questions of the alleged paternal abuse by saying "I can't comment on that. Take it up with my lawyer, Bobby Knight."
ROID RAGE PERHAPS? (8-19-06)
It's been a week of violence in the sports world. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, retired baseball pitcher, Kevin Brown has to pull out his GATT and go rat-a-tat-tat on his neighbor...or something sort of like that.
The Macon Telegraph reports that Brown was "fired" up because of some bad neighborly lawn care. Michael Haws, the man with the alleged Chartreuse thumb, called police after Brown started using expletives at him while tossing lawn debris into Haws' yard.
During the altercation, Brown pulled out a gun, and told Haws, "I should take you out right now." He must be some sort of Nam vet having flashbacks. What is he, an umpire? < "Keep it up and I'll cap yo ass next."
Police arrived somewhere in the middle of the wanna be "Dr. Phil" episode. No police charges were filed, and Brown agreed to put up a larger fence.
The moral of the story: Never live next to a retired Pro Sports figure. They have too much time on their hands.
DRUNK DRIVING OR DRIVING LIKE A WOMAN? (8-17-06) Minnesota Vikings receiver, Koren Robinson was arrested last night for driving while impaired, or if you're impaired in the literacy area, driving while drunk. According to the St. Paul Pioneer Press, multiple charges are pending. Interesting enough, Robinson is no stranger to knocking back a few every now and then. It has been reported that Robinson had a stint in rehab after being cut from the Seattle Seahawk roster, and then again during last training camp. < "Man, this ain't fast. I run to the liquor store even faster!"
During an interview last July, Robinson recognized his issues with alcohol, and stated that he was "taking some relapse prevention classes." Something tells me that he either skipped class, or just could use a remedial relapse prevention class. May I also suggest he put his Toby Keith CDs in a box, as songs like "I love this Bar," and "Lets get drunk and be somebody" probably don't help when the craving kicks in... At any rate, I guess it's safe to assume that the $5.5 million contract he was awarded in March probably helped fund his drinking habit.
LONNY CORLEONE? (8-17-06) Lonny Baxter, formerly an NBA player, currently signed to play Basketball for the Italian team, Montepaschi Siena, (I think I had pasta at that restaurant) has been arrested by the Secret Service. < Why is this fool Baxter smiling?
Baxter was arrested at about 2:30 this morning for firearms charges, and carrying a pistol without a license. A pedestrian flagged down secret service after witnessing several shots being fired out of an SUV. Secret Service finally stopped the vehicle which Baxter was driving and noted that several shell casings were found inside the car. Baxter and his passenger were taken into custody, but in his defense, he was just preparing for the Mafia lifestyle. I DON'T GET IT......(8-14-06)
EMMITT SMITH – An NFL legend and three-time Super Bowl champion who holds the world's all-time leading rushing record and is considered one of the greatest football players to ever play the game... is on ABC's "DANCING WITH THE STARS." This show is a joke. Any and every washed up actor/athlete will eventually be cast for this weeknight yawn fest. If one wanted to solidify his or her standings in the whole "Where are they now" saga, they should go ahead and strut their stuff on "Dancing with the stars of yesterday." < "Wait till you see me do the Charleston!"
If I wanted to watch people dance, I'd head out to the local club. My guess is that it would be way more entertaining than watching an ex NFL star try to do some ballroom dancing!
What is this world coming to?
On another note, my Dell is turning into a miniture fireplace, so I should check into that. < "Tiff's Dell comes in handy on a cold winter's night."
HAMMER NAILS KID.....(8-11-06)
I'm guessing that former New York Giant Keith "Hammer" Hamilton didn't get his nickname because of his outstanding carpentry skills, but perhaps by what he used to beat his loved-ones with. Hammer was sentenced to three years of probabtion for beating his son with a power surge, picking him up by the throat, and elbowing him in the chest. The WWE tactics came about after Hamilton saw that the grades on his son's report card weren't up to his standards. I am by no means a Doctor, but I would think that receiving a beating that severe wouldn't help with his son's study habits, in fact, it may cause a learning disability. < Father of the year? Um......no.
When the sentencing came down, the judge told Hammer that he had good news. Hammer replied with, "Oh yeah, I'm gettin' off?" The judge said, "No, you're getting three years of probation, and I just saved a bunch of money by switching my car insurance to Geico."
HISTORY! TIFF'S FIRST TURF RIFF! (8-10-06)
While perusing the web, I found a site that was all about Handicapped and Physically challenged women in sports. Maybe somebody can clear this up for me. Is it me or are all women in sports handicapped and physically challenged?
Have a fabulous Friday!
< Last year's MVP shows off his hardware.
< Father of the year? Um......no.