Here are some of the essays that have been aired on Artificial Turf. Feel free to visit the other Classic Essays pages.  Comments can be sent to artificialturf2003@yahoo.com. Thanks!

 

"HERE'S THE PAYOFF PITCH..."...By Bill Rogan (3-11-08)
What is the best job you’ve ever had?

Many people probably have never had a best job but can reel off a bunch of jobs that they truly hated.

For me, broadcasting is fun and I’ve never really considered it a job. Although, when I wake up at 4 a.m. to come into KNUS headquarters every day, it seems job like.

While I’ve enjoyed doing sports talk shows, sportscasts and play-by-play assignments, my favorite job of all, without question, were the five seasons I announced minor league baseball.

There is nothing better than to go to the ballpark everyday knowing that you will get paid (not much) to broadcast a baseball game.

Everyday was different, meeting new people, conducting interviews, calling the game and basically having fun all summer long.

Minor league baseball players are not the most sophisticated people on the planet but they may be among the funniest. Everyday was filled with laughter and some of the funnier stories I can't repeat on the air. Somebody was always getting pranked on and many times the announcers were in on it or were the target.

Strange things happen in baseball, particularly at the minor league level. One time I broadcast a triple play that took 23-minutes to complete. It would take that long to explain it but the short version is the umpires didn’t know if a ball was caught or not or if the runners tagged up or not and the ensuing arguments and changed calls lasted 23-minutes. In the end, the umps still got the call wrong but it was a triple play in the books.

I saw a ball that hit off the warning track and bounce over the wall called a home run.
I witnessed a manager, former major league catcher Terry Kennedy, climb into my broadcast booth during a post-game show, to gain access to the press box so he could confront the idiotic smartass PA announcer who disparaged one of his players.

One game I recall vividly had an umpire exit in the second inning due to back spasms only to be replaced by two players, one from each team, working the bases. One of those player-umpires came in to pitch later in the game. So basically, a guy pitched in a game he also umpired. Did I mention this was professional baseball?

Wacky promotions were part of the fun of minor league baseball. I’ve seen a woman put herself into a box loaded with dynamite then stagger around after the explosion. I’ve seen a fat drunk Elvis impersonator sing and slur the wrong words to many of The King’s classic songs. How can I forget interviewing Max Patkin, "The Clown Prince of Baseball," a marriage of raccoon mascots or the yearly Christmas in July promotions?
I’ve seen so many promotions and stunts that I’ve become a promotional genius. Too bad my subsequent employers haven’t seen fit to utilize my promotional talents and wisdom.

This is the time of year when I am ready for baseball season. I’m happy and excited for the start of a new baseball season. But I’m also sad because I won’t be behind a microphone calling the games.

PITY PARTY FOR NICKY AND PRINCE…By Bill Rogan (3-6-08)

I don’t know how much money you make but let’s say its $40,000 a year. Some of you right now are saying, “That would be sweet,” while I’m sure some of you are thinking, “How would I survive on that?”

Anyway, what if your boss approached you and said, “You’ve been doing a great job. Keep it up. Oh yeah, and I’ve decided to give you a raise to $455,000 a year.”

You would probably be doing cartwheels and calling your financial advisor. Or travel agent. Or Freddie Bisco, the Ferrari salesman who’s known from coast to coast like butter and toast.

Let’s meet Nick Markakis, the fine young outfielder for the Baltimore Orioles. Last year, Markakis made a cool 400-grand in his second Major League season. This past week, the Orioles renewed his contract for $455,000, a $55,000 raise. Nicky was not pleased. He wanted more and said he was just going to have to deal with it.

Another unhappy player was Prince Fielder, the Brewers slugging first baseman. He was re-upped by Milwaukee to $670,000, a raise of $255,000. Fielder said, “I’m not happy about it at all.”

Players with less than three years in the big leagues are not eligible for arbitration so the team can renew their contracts at whatever amount they choose. Some teams lock up players with long-term deals; others renew the player’s contract for one year. At this stage in a player’s career, the team has the bargaining power. After three years the player has the advantage and will do everything he can to squeeze as much money out of the organization as possible.

Players have to realize their day will come and to shut up and play ball. The working class men and women of this country don’t need to, and don’t want to, hear a ballplayer complain that he is only making $455,000 or $670,000. So to Markakis and Fielder and any other Major Leaguer who pops off and whines about getting “shafted” I say to you…pipe the bleep down.

 

 

800 AND COUNTING…By Bill Rogan (3-2-08)
Despite all the NCAA sanctions and the low graduation rates, Mike Krzyzewski has persevered and yesterday won his 800^th game.
Wait a minute! He hasn’t been in any trouble with the NCAA. An overwhelming majority of his players graduate with a degree from Duke. But he does have 800 wins and when it is all said and done, Coach K will end up with the most wins in men’s NCAA Division I college basketball history. I say men because Pat Summit has an incredible 972 wins with the Tennessee Lady Vols.
One reason I’m a huge Coach K fan is our ties to Army basketball. Krzyzewski played at Army under Bobby Knight and then coached the Cadets for five seasons before heading to Duke. I had the privilege of broadcasting Army hoops for 11 seasons and although Coach K was at Duke, on several occasions I was fortunate enough interview him and he was always gracious. He’s still a fan of Army basketball, except for the few times when he went against Army. He called that very strange.
Speaking of Army versus Duke and strange, prior to their game in December of 1996, I found myself several hours before tip-off sitting with best selling author John Feinstein and Krzyzewski in Coach K‘s office in Cameron Indoor Stadium. The three of us just shot the breeze about basketball and all sorts of things. Who felt out of place in that conversation?
Coach K is 61 and still going strong. He’s had some health issues with his back and his hip in the past but overall shows no signs of letting up. His intensity and focus remains the same, if not greater. He has 3 National Championships to his credit and in my mind that isn’t enough. He’ll eventually pass his mentor Bob Knight for the most wins in Division I men’s hoops but I don’t think he’ll catch Pat Summit. 
 

 

SPICE IN BLACK AND WHITE...By Bill Rogan (2-25-08)
Spice. The recent heavyweight fight between Wladimir Klitschko and Sultan Ibragimov lacked spice. A Ukrainian and a Russian? Boring.
I’m glad I wasn’t the promoter.
Which got me to thinking, if I were a boxing promoter, what fights would have the most spice?
It’s simple. A black fighter versus a white fighter has always had the most box office appeal.
The Larry Holmes versus Gerry Cooney fight in 1982 was gold for promoter Don King and a boxing hungry crowd. You had Holmes, the champ, taking on the Caucasian contender for the heavyweight champeenship. It set closed circuit viewing records at the time. Most black people were pulling for Holmes while most white people were rooting for Cooney.
Guess what? There was nothing wrong with that. It’s not racist for a white guy to hope the white fighter knocks out the black fighter.  And its not racist that a black guy root for the black fighter to knock out the white pugilist. It’s a case of commonality, not racism. Now if it goes beyond that, and there are derogatory remarks made and boorish behavior, that is racism.
If I watch a fight on TV and there are two unknowns going at it and one is black and one is white, I’ll generally root for the white guy.
If I know the black fighter and like him, I’ll hope he wins no matter who he is fighting.
Tommy Hearns, black guy, was one of my favorite fighters ever. I don’t care who he fought, I rooted for him.
If an American fighter is fighting a foreign fighter, I’ll pull for the American every time. The exception was when Roberto Duran fought. Duran, from Panama was my favorite fighter of all time. I don’t care if he fought a black guy, a white guy or a Hispanic boxer, I pulled for Duran.
Of course, this left me in a minor quandary when Hearns and Duran met in 1984. I pulled for Duran and the result wasn’t pretty, a second round knockout by Hearns.
Boxing has always been about personalities, style and yes, race comes into play. Every promoter and every true boxing fan would agree, black versus white usually adds the most spice.

 

 

THE HOODIE MONSTER…(2-7-08)
He’s a jerk. He’s a cheater. He’s a tyrant. He’s smug. He’s arrogant. He’s condescending. He’s a sore loser and poorly dressed at that.
Many people rooted against the Patriots in the recently completed Super Bowl because that is how they perceive Head Coach Bill Belichick.
I’m not going to judge Belichick here and now. I won’t change your opinion of the man. But if Belichick is indeed a jerk, cheater, tyrant and smug, arrogant, condescending sore loser, I say, “Yeah…so what?”
He’s not running a charm school. He’s not coaching some company co-ed softball team. He’s coaching in the NFL where winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing. That’s straight from Vince Lombardi and it was true in the 1960’s and in the 2000’s. You may hate Belichick’s methods and gruff personality. I would agree that he looks like a homeless dude on the sidelines. But I venture to say that you would be thrilled out of your mind if he were the coach of your team. He’s simply the best coach in the NFL today…with the possible exception of course, of Tom Coughlin.
 

THE GENERAL EXITS…(2-7-08)
Understanding nuclear physics or the Middle East peace process is hard. But I’m willing to bet it is easier than trying to figure out Bob Knight.
Knight surprised many, myself included, by stepping down as Head Basketball Coach at Texas Tech.
I was surprised mainly that he quit in the middle of the season. He went out meekly and not kicking and screaming as I would have expected. Meek is not a word that portrays Bobby Knight.
I don’t like, at all, the fact that he quit with 10-games remaining on the schedule. I didn’t like some of his antics through the years although, at times, they were most entertaining.
He was capable of being a cruel, heartless bully, yet capable of great acts of kindness.
What cannot be denied is the fact that Knight was, and is, a brilliant basketball tactician. He won a record 902 games, three National Championships and an Olympic Gold Medal. However, I would speculate that Knight is most proud of the many players that earned degrees under his watch and those who entered his program as boys and exited as men. Too bad Knight didn’t have a more graceful exit from Texas Tech.

 

 

The Colts coasted down the stretch of the NFL regular season. So did the Cowboys, Buccaneers and Seahawks. The last game or two, these teams rested players to get ready for the playoffs. Winning wasn’t important. Getting and staying healthy for the playoffs was.

On the flip side, the Patriots played hard from game one through game 16 as they chased an undefeated season. The Giants, after wrapping up a playoff spot in the season’s penultimate game, could have played it safe in their finale against the Patriots. It was a meaningless game for the Giants and Patriots as far as the playoffs were concerned. But New England Head Coach Bill Belichick wanted a perfect 16-0 season and New York Head Coach Tom Coughlin wanted to spoil it.

In maybe the most important coaching move of the season, Coughlin and the Giants decided to go for the win.

Both teams said, “Damn the playoffs, we have a game to play and we are going to try to win it.”
Is it any wonder or surprise that the G-Men and Pats will play in the Super Bowl? Perhaps the football Gods were watching and decided that these teams, who played a thrilling game on a Saturday evening at The Meadowlands of New Jersey, should slug it out one more time in Arizona for the Lombardi Trophy.

The coaches who played it safe, who played not to get key guys hurt, who weren’t concerned with winning when it didn’t mean anything for playoff seeding got what they ultimately deserved, an early playoff exit.

Chiefs Head Coach Herman Edwards once uttered a profound statement when he was coaching the Jets. He told a reporter, simply, “You play to win the game.”

Coughlin and the Giants and Belichick and the Patriots will battle one more time to try to win the game.

 

  

 

 

CHECKMATE BOBBY…By Bill Rogan (1-18-08)

Bobby Fischer is dead. Good. More air for the rest of us. He was a bum and while it may not be very Christian-like on my part to say I’m glad he’s gone, we don’t need people like him on our planet. We have enough hate-mongers already. Now there is one less.

I used to be fascinated by Fischer. In 1972, I used to go with my Grandpa to the senior citizens center and would play chess with some of the old-timers there. That summer I was interested in Fischer’s battle with Russian Boris Spassky for the World Chess Championship. The American versus the Russian. I didn’t know anything about Russians other than I was told they were bad. So I, along with the entire nation, pulled hard for Fischer and I was thrilled that he eventually won the championship. Then he disappeared, which, for whatever reason, I thought was pretty cool. His eccentricities intrigued me.

As I got older, I still played chess and thought about Fischer from time to time, wondering what he was up to.

He turned up in 1992 and beat Spassky again, this time in Yugoslavia, despite a United States embargo against that country.

But what really made my blood boil were the venomous comments he spewed declaring his hatred of the United States. He stated the attacks against the U-S on September 11, 2001 was “wonderful news.” He bashed the U-S every chance he got. He railed against the Jews even though his mother was Jewish.
He was given political asylum a few years ago in Iceland, the site of his 1972 triumph over Spassky.

Bobby Fischer is now gone at the age of 64 from kidney failure. The world is a better place.

 

PAY-PER-VIEW? I THINK NOT…By Bill Rogan (1-17-08)

If Muhammad Ali were fighting today, he wouldn’t be nearly as popular or unpopular as he was when he was boxing in the 60’s and 70’s. Few people would know who he is today and those who were aware probably wouldn’t pay much attention to him, even with his unique ability to promote his fights.

The same goes for guys like Larry Holmes, Roberto Duran, Tommy Hearns, Ray Leonard, Marvin Hagler, Aaron Pryor and Carlos Palomino. The list goes on.

The reason, as I see it, is boxing got “pay-per-view” crazy and fights that normally would be on network TV now were available only if you paid for it.

Many people, myself included, didn’t want to pay for fights to watch guys we hadn’t seen or heard of before. Has anyone noticed that the popularity of boxing has faded since most big fights have been taken off free TV?

Take Hearns for instance. I watched him fight his way up the ranks on a regular basis. By the time he became a top contender and a champion, I knew who he was. I was eager to watch him fight.

Ali fought many times on regular TV with the exception of a few bouts that were on closed circuit TV in those days. People would pay because they knew who Ali was. The loved him or hated him but they wanted to watch him.

I bring this up because of this weekend’s pay-per-view bout between Felix Trinidad and Roy Jones Junior. Two fighters who are past their prime and looking for a payday. Great fighters in the past? Sure. But how many people have actually seen them fight more than a handful of times? I think I’ll save the 50 bucks and occupy my time in some other fashion.

 

 

NATIONAL SIGNING DAY!….By Bill Rogan (1-11-08)

February 6^th is National Signing Day. I capitalize it because it has turned into a holiday for college football fans. It is like Christmas Day. College football fans get to finally learn who has signed a letter of intent to play for their school.

Verbal commitments mean nothing. Just because a kid verbals a school, some sleaze ball coach will still try to poach the kid, isn’t that right Urban?

But National Signing Day makes it official. Some kid with a completely unknown name, whom you’ve never seen play, from some high school you’ve never heard of, is going to play football for your school. You read from some dopey recruiting website that Johnny High School Stud was a 4 or 5 star recruit and you are thrilled! Then you find out he snubbed a couple of big time schools to play for your team and you think Johnny is the man to lead you to the National Freaking Championship.

Many college football fans pay no attention to the recruiting wars. They couldn’t care less about National Signing Day. They’ll just wait till college football approaches, maybe grab a college football preview magazine, and then simply learn all about the new players when they sit down to watch a game. That is because these fans have something called a life.

For those of us, I mean, those of you who hit the college football message boards to get the latest recruiting information, to those who watch the high school all star games on TV, to those who wait impatiently for February 6^th, I say to you, get a grip. Where are your priorities man? Aren’t there a lot more important things than where some 17 or 18-year old kid decides to play football? Please, go get some professional help.

Anyway, I’m tickled to death that Notre Dame, as of today, has the number one recruiting class according to the recruiting gurus. February 6^th is the day it is made official. I can’t wait. 

 

IF UNBELIEVABLE…By Bill Rogan (1-2-08)

If. It’s the biggest word in sports. If is also a classic poem by Rudyard Kipling but we are talking sports here.

If Scott Norwood’s kick was four feet to the left, the Bills would have won Super Bowl XXV.

If the Colts drafted Ryan Leaf instead of Peyton Manning Indy would still be terrible.

If the Twins didn’t give up on David Ortiz, the Red Sox would be working on 90-years without a World Series title.

Yes, but Norwood’s kick was wide, the Colts did draft Manning and the Twins in fact made one of the worst moves ever by dumping Big Papi.

Fans use “if” all the time. So do coaches.
“If we stay away from turnovers and penalties, I like our chances”.

Gamblers use “if” to validate their losing bets.
“If Camby didn’t get hurt and if Carmelo hits his free throws they cover.”

Another word that drives me insane is unbelievable. The main culprits when it comes to unbelievable are the vacuous knuckle draggers known as color analysts. A nice leaping catch by a wide receiver is deemed “unbelievable!” An excellent save by a goaltender is “unbelievable!” Why is everything so darn unbelievable to these guys? I saw it. I believe it.

Now, IF Kobe Bryant took the court for the Lakers wearing a football helmet and ice skates while holding a baseball bat, then I would say, “that’s unbelievable!”

IF you liked this essay that would truly be “UNBELIEVABLE!”

CHAMPIONSHIP RAT FIGHTING…By Bill Rogan (12-29-07)
Rats. They scare me more than anything in life. I would rather go swimming with alligators than to walk in a darkened alley occupied by rats. Now, there are human forms of rats but I’m talking about the not-so-lovable furry kind with big teeth and long rope like tails. I’m freaking out now just thinking about them.
Personally, I would like to see rats become extinct but that seems unlikely. They multiply like crazy and scoff at rat poison. Sure a few may die from poison but they build up an immunity and become stronger. They also become angrier since they know that we tried to poison them. If rats ended up on the endangered species list, I’m sure some people would start a campaign to save the rats. Those people should be shot.
In New York City, there are approximately 8-million people. According to reports out of New York, there are between 6 to 12 rats for every person in the Big Apple. That means there are 48 to 96 million rats running around wild in New York City, one reason I now live in Denver.
What can we do to get rid of rats? We probably won’t be able to kill them all. They would even survive a nuclear attack and again, be ticked off that we tried to kill them. Since we won’t be able to make them extinct, perhaps we can at least get some entertainment value out of them.
How about Championship Rat Fighting? That’s right, rat fighting. Stick them in an enclosed ring and let them go at it to the death. The winner gets some cheese and lives to fight another day. The loser is dead and that means one less rat on the planet. You could have steel cage bouts or tag team rat fighting. The possibilities are endless. I’m sure ESPN would rather televise Championship Rat Fighting than billiards or some other nonsense.
Most people not named Michael Vick deplore dog fighting. Most rational people are sickened by cock fighting or bull fighting. But what decent person would oppose rat fighting? Pump steroids into the fighting rats, add the wagering aspect to this new sport and you’ve got a winner and hopefully a shrinking rat population.

QUITE SAD INDEED…By Bill Rogan (12-14-07)

As I was watching George Mitchell discuss his report on steroid use in Major League Baseball, I kept thinking about all the 10-year old boys who love baseball and wondered what they were thinking. What could possibly be going through their minds when names like Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Miguel Tejada, Andy Pettitte, Eric Gagne and a whole bunch more were accused of being steroid cheats?

The only frame of reference I have is that once I was a 10-year old boy and I loved baseball more than you could imagine. Baseball was at the center of my universe and the Yankees were my team. When I was 10, my heroes were Bobby Murcer, Thurman Munson, Horace Clarke, Mel Stottlemyre, Sparky Lyle and any other player in 1972 that wore the pinstriped Yankee uniform. It’s funny, I’ll look at the stats of the 72 Yankees and I don’t recall them being so bad. They were all great in my eyes. If any of them were accused of using steroids and cheating the game, I would have been devastated. Crushed. I might have even given up the game. How many kids on Thursday were devastated and crushed? How many have lost their love of the game or at least now question it? Baseball has a tough enough time as it is cultivating kids who live and breathe baseball. The steroid mess doesn’t help.

As an adult, I’ve become desensitized to the scandals that have infiltrated baseball and all sports. A guy gets busted for drugs? Seen it before. An athlete beats up a woman? Not the first time. An NBA referee fixing games? Oh well, probably others doing it too.

I still love baseball. Always will. The game is too great not to love. But I don’t always love the players who play it mind you and especially those that were named in the Mitchell Report. But I don’t know if I’ll ever love the game like I did when I was a wide-eyed 10-year old, sitting in Yankee Stadium, cheering for the guys I wanted to one day become.

 

BOBBY THE QUITTER…By Bill Rogan (12-13-07)

This has not been a stellar year for the Atlanta Falcons. They’ve experienced a multitude of horrible seasons in their woeful history but this is probably the worst.

They lost their quarterback, the face of the franchise, to a suspension and then prison sentence for dog fighting. They have had to shuffle in stiffs at quarterback such as Joey Harrington, Chris Redman and Byron Leftwich. They stand at 3-10, a battered team with little hope to finish the season on a positive note.

They do have a leader, however, in first year head coach Bobby Petrino who told Falcons Owner Arthur Blank hours before Monday night’s loss to the Saints, that he was going to be the Falcons coach. Petrino would be the man to lead Atlanta out of the abyss and to prosperity.

One day later, the Falcons were looking for a new coach as Petrino skipped town to become the new head coach at Arkansas. He didn’t even tell his players in person that he was exiting. He left a 78-word letter informing them that he was leaving.

I’m sure Petrino told his Falcons not to quit, to keep working hard and to play with pride. Then first chance he got…gone.

Arkansas better be wary with whom they now have as their head coach and leader of men. They have a guy, who when he was at Louisville was continually searching for another job. He talked to Notre Dame, Florida, Mississippi, Auburn, LSU and the Oakland Raiders. He eventually parlayed all that into a 10-year, 25-million dollar contract extension from Louisville. Petrino said Louisville was home and where he would stay. He left the Cardinals one year into that 10-year extension.

Last year, Nick Saban left the Dolphins to coach Alabama after vehemently denying rumors he was leaving to coach the Crimson Tide. Yes, Saban lied and looked slimy doing it. However, he at least finished out the season in Miami. 

Petrino jumped ship like a rat with three games remaining. Not only is Petrino’s word worthless, he’s a quitter to boot.

Maybe Petrino quitting is, in retrospect, actually a good thing for the floundering Atlanta Falcons.